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To start off, because this is a doozy, the title was said passive-aggressively before the woman (known throughout as Crazy Woman \[CW\]) hung up. She said it so I could hear it to try to make me feel bad. I do not feel bad. I responded to her with care and empathy, answered all of her inane questions, and devoted 45 minutes to her “problem.”
Setting the stage: CW calls in with a pretty simple problem that has a pretty simple answer. She wanted to know where her order was, the order was updated yesterday to ship out tomorrow. But we started off with the way all trainwreck calls start.
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Me: Thank you for calling ABC, my name is Me, how can I help you today?
CW: Read the notes!
Me: I’d love to, can you provide me with the order so I can make sure we’re on the same page?
CW: (huffing and puffing) FINE.
Me: Great! Allow me one moment so I can review the notes.
CW: How many times have I called! What do the notes say! When will I get stuff! Why does the website say this!
Me: I can see you talked to 4 agents on these dates. It looks like you will get stuff on the 24th. The website says that so you have information that these items are shipping and will arrive on 24th.
CW: But it says it will be late! Why did I call on those dates! I’ve never gotten an update!
Me: I see there was an order processing issue, and I am sorry about that. But it appears everything is ready to go and you will be seeing stuff soon. You called on date one to report that you didn’t receive stuff. The agent let you know our policy regarding not receiving stuff. You called back two days later to say you haven’t received stuff. The agent let you know our policy regarding not receiving stuff. You called back 5 days later to say you haven’t received stuff, at which point we were able to order replacement stuff.
CW: REPLACEMENT? HOW CAN I GET A REPLACEMENT IF I NEVER RECEIVED STUFF!!!!???
Me: …
CW: IT NEVER SHIPPED SO HOW CAN I EVEN GET A REPLACEMENT!!!!! AND ALL MY ORDERS SAY REPORT A PROBLEM! HOW DO ALL OF MY ORDERS HAVE PROBLEMS!!!
Me: … Okay, ma’am. You let us know you didn’t receive stuff, so we ordered replacement stuff as you reported stuff lost. The replacement stuff will be shipping out tomorrow with expected delivery on the 24th. The website is not indicating that there is a problem with your orders, if you click that button you can see that we have a self-service option so you can return, report damages, etc.
CW: BUT ALL OF MY ORDERS HAVE PROBLEMS ACCORDING TO YOUR WEBSITE. I’M NOT EVEN AT ADDRESS WHERE STUFF IS. HOW DO YOU KNOW THEY ALL HAVE PROBLEMS?
Me: … No, that button is there so IF you have a problem, there is a self-service option. And are you not at the delivery address?
CW: NO!
Me: … So, the stuff you reported lost… I see the tracking indicates it was delivered on the 24th of last month.
CW: IT WAS DELIVERED?
Me: Yes, I see carrier has marked that as delivered as of the 24th of last month.
CW: So you don’t know if it’s there?
Me: … Well, I can see that carrier has marked it as delivered.
CW: Then why did you send replacements! Why does the website say I have two items but I ordered 3 of item! It says items 2 and quantity 6!
Me: … We sent replacements because you told us you did not receive stuff. We are attempting to rectify the situation of you not receiving stuff by sending you the stuff you ordered, again. It says you have two items because you ordered three of one item. When we ordered you replacements we ordered another three of one item. So that’s two items, in a quantity of six.
CW: THAT DOESN’T MAKE SENSE. YOU SAY ALL MY ORDERS HAVE PROBLEMS. WHEN WILL I GET REPLACEMENT. WHY CAN’T YOU GO TO MY HOUSE AND SEE IF STUFF IS THERE. WHY DO I KEEP GETTING EMAILS THAT MY STUFF NEVER SHIPPED IF IT WAS ACTUALLY DELIVERED.
Me: None of your orders have problems, but if they do you can let us know by clicking the button on the website. You will get replacement on the 24th. I am not traveling to your house. You did not get any emails regarding your stuff not shipping, you got emails about a different delivery date and an email letting you know that your replacement was delayed, but it is now set for delivery next week. Is there anything else I can help you with?
CW: REPLACEMENT?
Me: OH MY GOD.
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I received a different job offer earlier today. I was kind of going back and forth on it because 80% of the time I can genuinely enjoy my job and I have a pretty good work/life balance and I am good at CS. As soon as I got off this call I went ahead and accepted my offer. See ya crazy woman.
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