Tales from a complaint manager – Volume Three: Dude, where’s my dinosaur?

Hey guys, sorry for the long delay, I know you guys were excited to hear more.

For those just joining us, we have part one:

And part two:

So last time I promised to tell you the tale of crazy, middle aged, dinosaur lady. Our tale begins back when Jurassic World was released and big in cinemas, bringing that Jurassic Fever back into our lives. Kids and adults alike were getting teary eyed over that bit where the T-Rex and the velociraptor do a dinosaur high five etc etc, you get it, the scene is set.

So a middle aged woman calls up and is both angry and uncooperative. She refuses to speak to anyone but “The owner”, now we’re a big company, stock on the exchange, obviously not a company that has anyone matching that description. Eventually she settles for me even though she’s convinced our long dead founder (Googled him probably) would be a better option to hear her complaint.

For ease; M- Me, L-crazy dinosaur Lady:

M: What seems to be the problem?

L: There are no instructions on this dinosaur ticket. Why would you print it without instructions? This is terrible service!

M: ok, well if you go to [local site] and speak with a team member, they’ll be able to direct you. But it’s really no different than any other ticket.

L: No! Are you stupid?! I already went to [local site] and I watched the film! I know how to use a ticket! I’m talking about THE DINOSAUR TICKET!!! I PROMISED MY KIDS WE WOULD GO THIS WEEKEND!!

  • Then it dawned on me. We had souvenir tickets we were giving out that were a pretend ticket to Jurassic World with our branding on-

M: Ma’am are you referring to the blue, cardboard ticket that says “one admittance” for Jurassic World itself? As in the dinosaur theme park?

L: yes! Finally, how are you only just getting this?!

M: so to clarify, you are upset that there are no instructions on that souvenir ticket that explain how to get to an island full Of real life, actual dinosaurs?

L: YES! Are you stupid?! And I think you better pay for flights to it because it’s your mistake. Or I will go to trading standards!

stunned silence

M: Madame. First of all you’ve been extremely rude to my team members and me, so please bear in mind I’m explaining this as a courtesy. Dinosaurs went extinct 65 million years ago. The film isn’t a documentary. There is no Jurassic World. And quite frankly a film about dinosaurs breaking out of their enclosures and devouring children wouldn’t be the best advert if it were.

L: don’t try and lie to me, I know it’s real or you wouldn’t give me the ticket!

M: I’m going to go now. I’m sorry you’re disappointed, but honestly. They’re all dead, it’s just a souvenir.

angry shouting noises as I put the phone down

Tonight’s second story comes from As recently as today and is brilliant because of the final remarks more than the complaint or any input on my part. I get death threats regularly enough that they don’t bother me, but I’ve never had this before.

Backstory is this: we have sites all over Europe and we only very rarely have our own parking. We usually have parking on the retail park our site is on or maybe an adjacent local authority car park. People get parking fines and escalate to me on occasion by being dicks about it.

We have no way of helping with these ones as we don’t own the car park and we don’t employ the enforcement agency so it’s kinda like going to McDonalds to complain about an Apple product. You may have been using it whilst you were eating your Big Mac but that doesn’t mean McDonalds is responsible for the software licence.

Anyway, SUPER angry dude escalated to me by directing his rage at the CEO (I answer all the lunatics who think writing to the CEO is even vaguely appropriate). He stayed for six hours, parking covers three, £150 fine etc.

I explain the Big Mac/Apple Mac stuff and he just gets more angry. He decides to hang up on me and I can hear him building up to it. Expecting a “watch your back” or “I know where that contact centre is, see if you say that to my face” etc but instead he pulled out this fantastic gem:

“I will enshroud your life in misery until this is resolved! Mark my words! It SHALL be so!”

Which is the most whimsical threat I have ever received and I actually love him a bit for it.

That’s all for now, let me know if you fancy more!

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Simple but funny

She killed a man