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Sure, I’ll just bike my way over to Texas to check that for you.

Not mine, but a co-worker’s, who is a Cool Guy. Working for a US mobile carrier whose name starts with a T. And for context, we’re up in Canada. Dialogue presented here may not be fully accurate and may be slightly embellished for humour.

Cool Guy: You’ve reached Business Care, what can I help you with?

Customer: Hey, I sent back my phone as a warranty return due to a defect. I received the new phone but now I’m getting charged a Warranty Non-Return fee.

(EDITOR’S NOTE: I have never had a customer be this forthcoming with information, so the actual start of the conversation was probably “WHY MY BILL SO HAI” and followed from there).

Cool Guy: Okay, first we’ll get verified into your account. *Boop beep boop*.

Customer: *Beep boop beep*

Cool Guy: Okay, so I do see that Warranty Non Return Fee here. Looking up your phone, it is not showing up as returned. There’s no return order, and when I look up the IMEI it has not been logged at any of our warehouses.

Customer: Okay, but I gave it back to them at the store.

(EDITOR’S NOTE: the customer actually received the warranty replacement through the mail, which could have been directed to a store but was not in this case. Which means the customer left the old phone at a store as an unsolicited return when they were suppose to mail it back with the provided shipping label. Often times the store doesn’t know what to do with this phone that was left behind, and will just keep it in the store’s back office.)

Cool Guy: You may want to go back and talk with the store manager because we don’t yet have your phone. Given your location [REDACTED], it most likely would have ended up in our warehouse in Texas. But that’s fine, if we don’t get the device back before your bill is due, you’ll still have 30 days before the charge gets automatically credited back. If you’d like I can turn off your autopay to avoid the high bill charges, and you can request to be put on hold if you get any bill reminders; just keep in mind if you need to request a hold then you’ll still need to pay the undisputed charges.

Customer: That sounds complicated, I just want that charge taken off my bill NOW. Can’t you go and check to see if that phone is at the warehouse yourself?

Cool Guy: I’m afraid I don’t actually have physical access to the warehouse, in fact I am in Canada and the warehouse in question is in Texas.

Customer: But I really don’t want to have this charge on my bill when my automatic payment goes through, can you please check???

Cool Guy: … uh, no. I’m not in a position to just take a trip to Texas.

Customer: rreeeeeEEEEEEEEEEEEE

And then with all the kindness and politeness of a typical customer, the call was ended.

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I wish to keep this car longer at no additional charges

They’re eating her! And then they’re going to eat me!