"So you’re telling me that I need to commit fraud to get what I want?"

For some brief background, I work for a software company that sells a CRM with a website component.

If you’ve purchased our CRM, you’re on what’s called a platform. The platform is yours and yours alone, and as the owner, you can add additional employees to your platform as needed. While we’re able to provide support for employees as well, it’s the owner who has the final say for most things, as they’re the ones who manager their employees through the CRM.

The way it works is that a customer will register on Client’s website, and then get assigned to an employee through a round robin rotation. Employee then works with the customer through the CRM.

Enter Dick Cheese Employee, who we’ll call DCE for short.

DCE made his presence known at about 9:45am. He was angry because a customer who he believes was supposed to be assigned to him instead went to another employee on their platform. Now, normally, this sort of thing can be remedied by the employee talking to their owner, who has the power to transfer customers to other employees. Or, DCE could have explained the situation to the other employee and have the other employee transfer it to him.

You see, this solution wasn’t going to work for DCE.

He spent about thirty minutes on the phone with my coworker, who reported that despite the fact that she tried to explain to him how a rotation works and gave him his options, he refused to believe her and just continued to go on and on and on about his problem. Repeating himself multiple times. She explained several times that due to policy, we can’t just go in and change settings for employees that were set by the owner of the platform, and that he had to talk to the owner. AKA, the boss.

Somehow, DCE believes that if customers aren’t going to him, they’re going to another platform, which is impossible. She couldn’t talk him out of it. Ended up escalating to a manager just so he’d leave her alone.

Manager hops on a call with him. Roughly the same length, because DCE is one of those guys who just won’t shut up. The man either likes hearing himself talk or just doesn’t recognize when the conversation is exhausted and he’s literally just babbling nonsense and repeating himself.

But it’s what he said during the call that inspired the title of this post. This is almost verbatim, from the notes on the case.

“So you’re telling me that I should call your sales team under a fake name so I can get my own platform to get more customers?”

Manager has no idea how he came to that conclusion. Nobody has any idea how he came to that conclusion. That’s not how this works. That’s not how any of this works.

Since we’re just tech support, all she could do was cease all communication with him about that and give a heads up to the other teams that some chungus is probably going to call in thinking he can get himself a new platform even though he’s already on one (it’s common for employees to break out and get their own platforms but they have to leave the current one first).

I don’t really know why he said that with such conviction, as if we weren’t going to tell fucking everyone that a madman might be running around trying to start nonsense. My only guess is that he figured if he used the phrase, “So YOU’RE telling me,” then we would be the ones responsible if he got caught. But calls are recorded, so, uh, yeah.

No one’s heard from him today, so I’m wondering if he either gave up on his crusade, or if he actually did call and Sales called him out on his BS.