A Tennessee Conspiracy, or: Lasers and Misunderstanding

I’ve shared this story once or twice, but never here. I never get tired of sharing it, and figured you guys might like to hear it.

Tl;dr at end. I’m on mobile, so formatting sucks. All the ushe. Plus, this was several years ago, so it’ll be sorta paraphrased.


A short bit of background:

Spent 3 years working as phone-based technical support for a large security lighting company.

This company was often confused as a healthcare provider / advisor, due to the name.

My job mostly consisted of the same three or four questions that, when asked in no particular order, would almost inevitably end in my saying, “This is clearly stated in the user manual, which you’ve insisted has been read time and time again.”

Occasionally, we did get the oddball call that would pose a real challenge. The company also manufactured and marketed doorbell systems, and the wiring could be puzzling at times.

Every now and then, though. Even now and then, we’d get an amazing call.

This is the tale of an amazing call.

It came from nowhere. Like a fart in the night, this call just drifted through the air and landed in my face.

My phone rings.

The area code indicates the call is coming from Tennessee; I won’t be more specific. It doesn’t add anything to the story, but that’s why I named this post what I did, so there ya go.

I answer with my typical spiel.

M: Technical Service, may I have your model number?

We were tier 2, so there was little need for a more formal greeting.

The (obviously older female, for those of you with the mindvoice) caller will be DI, for Disturbed Individual.

DI: Yeah, I need to talk to somebody about some abuse that’s been goin on.

M: Okay.. what sort of abuse are we talkin’ about?

DI: Lasers and stuff.

Now, at this point I’m thinking that she has a light that is controlled by a photocell- these are very common, and it is possible to burn-out the cell by shining a sufficiently-powerful laser pointer on them

M: If you could, be a bit more specific. I’m not quite sure what you mean.

DI: Well, y’see, my neighborhood is under a heavy Arab influence, and our mayor is Norwegian. The Norwegians and the Chinese are using Zenith satellites to shoot lasers at people.

M: I see. mute Greg (supervisor), record this. Now. unmute I’m not sure how much I’m going to be able to help you out, ma’am. My job typically involves troubleshooting doorbells and porch lights. Maybe you should try to contact the authorities?

By this point in time, my cubical neighbors are all gathered around staring at me.

DI: Oh, I was gonna, but the Department of Homeland Security is in cahoots with the CIA.

M: Oh?

DI: Yeah, they’ve been working together for years. They use the satellites to shine a laser on my vagina, and it causes anal fissures.

M: I’m sorry?

DI: Yeah, they say it’s.. almost definitely shiftily looking around they say it’s like “shooting a missile up the twat”.

M: Oh.

DI: Yeah. And now, the Clintons and the Bushes, are working with the Jewish community hospital, and they’re charging people too much for CAT scans.


M: Well, again ma’am, I’m not sure I can help you here. Have you tried looking online?

What else you gonna say?

inb4 doctor

DI: I’ve searched on Google, but it’s only people talking about being messed with, nothing about how to stop it.

M: Well, I’m sorry ma’am. I hope you get it figured out.

DI: Okay, byeee!


The call was over seven minutes long. There was much more said than I can remember, and I wish I could find the recording, but it has been years since the last time I tried and failed.

So many memories from that place.

We also had a guy send a letter describing his ordeal with frequency sickness, caused by government satellites triangulating and beaming radio waves into his head. I do have a copy of that still. I keep it in my car for when I need it.


Lady called claiming that government entities were using satellites to give her anal fissures, the ole classic “powerful families were teaming up with the Jews”, and somehow Norwegians (shout-out to r/norge), and Arabs were involved. Also, a guy sent a long letter saying that satellites make your pee-pee little, and I kept it.

Edit: that – twat.

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no you cant have my name or my phone number! old calls.

Are you a gay man?