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“I don’t know how to use your system at all, you need to just help me and stop asking questions!”

Hey all, story time of a fun little call I had a couple weeks back from a lady who was the equivalent of a “can I speak to your manager” haircut, personified.

I’ve posted on here a couple times before, the company I work for makes software that is for body shops and dealerships, so depending on the day I may get spammed with really nice people who “don’t really know how to use a computer, but can you please help me” or people that just need a password reset or forgot a username. This call was one of those hellacious calls where I resisted the urge to lose my cool several times over. We’re gonna call her “cust” because otherwise I’ll think of something much more rude to call her.

Me: “customer support, this is X”

Cust: “You need to help me use ‘the link’” (our software program)

Me: “Sure! Have you used it before, or have you watched any of the self help videos in our support section? Was there something specific with it you had questions on?”

Cust: (Begins to actually scream into the phone): “I don’t have time for this, I don’t know how to use the link and you need to help me right now and stop asking me questions!”

Me: “Ma’am, I am trying to help you, but I’m trying to figure out if you ever used the link before, or if you’re a first time user. Please do not raise your voice to me, as I am simply trying to help.”

Cust: (Starts yelling even louder): “I AM NOT YELLING AT YOU. YOU NEED TO HELP ME OR GET ME YOUR MANAGER.”

Me: “Ma’am, you haven’t told me what the problem is, how am I supposed to help if I don’t know what you need?” Cust: “I told you, I don’t know how to use the link and you need to help me!”

(At this point I assume she’s either a first time user or someone who hasn’t used it in a long time, so I prepare to remote in and give her a full walkthrough of the program.)

Me: “Okay, can I get your account’s phone number so I can pull up your profile? I’m going to remote in to help you.”

Cust: “Finally! It’s 800-FUC-KOFF.” (She didn’t say that, but damn was I thinking it.)

(At this point I pull up their account see they’re pretty active, having called in a couple weeks ago for assistance with files not pulling through the link. We also just released a major update to our software so older windows versions like XP and vista are no longer supported.)

Me: (walks her through the steps of remoting me in, which normally takes 30-60 seconds tops, and takes us nearly 10 minutes.) “Okay, so I’m in, you have the link installed and running, so what seems to be the problem? You said you didn’t know how to use it at all, but you have it installed on here.” (Her PC is also slower than hell and looks to be running vista, if the 10 minutes to remote in didn’t clue you in.)

Cust: “It won’t work! I tried to send a file over but it won’t come into the website and you need to fix it for me!”

Me: “So, when you said you didn’t know how to use the system what you really meant is you knew how, but you couldn’t get a file through…?”

Cust: (Her tone suddenly changes as I trail off and let her sit there and think of how much of an idiot she’s being.) “Oh yeah, silly me that’s what I meant! It’s worked up until the last week or so! Btw, where are you located, how’s the weather out there?” (I shit you not, she went to stepford wife cheerful at the drop of a hat. Also, our update came out about a week ago, hmmm.)

Me: “Okay, so we did have an update come out about a week ago, did you happen to download and install it? It would have prompted you to do so.”

Cust: “YES. SO TELL ME WHY IT ISNT WORKING.” (Just like that, back to rude and snarky.)

Me: “Let me check a couple things -goes through basic verification steps I normally would have done before wasting my time to remote in, she answers okay to all of them-do you happen to know what version of windows you use?”

Cust: “No, I don’t know that, that shouldn’t matter at all.”

Me: “Actually it does, we upgraded the program so some versions are no longer supported.” (I then check the version of our tool and it isn’t the latest one.) “Okay, so you didn’t actually download the newest version of the tool, so that’s why it isn’t actually working.”

I go through the brief process of updating our tool, and lo and behold, it fails and says the operating system isn’t supported.

Cust: “That’s weird, we use vista so I don’t know why it wouldn’t work.”

Me: “You just said you didn’t know which version you used, and if so, that’s why it isn’t working anymore. “ (I check the system info, it’s fucking vista.) “Sorry ma’am, your pc has an unsupported version of windows for our program, due to our recent software upgrade. I’d suggest upgrading the pc as a whole as opposed to just installing the new OS. But I can’t fix this for you because it won’t work with our tool anymore!”

Cust: (Starts swearing at a man in the background and yells at him to upgrade the pc because it’s too old and she needs to use our program.)

That was a satisfying end to the call, sorry lady, but even if I wanted to help you, and at this point I definitely didn’t, I couldn’t.

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