Here’s one for you broadband tech support friends.
Worked for T1 support for a major UK ISP for a few months and have came away with a few gems!
M(Me): Hello how can I help.
CC(Clueless Customer): Hi, yes I cant google… It keeps directing me to ISP website
M: No worries, this is an easy fix.
I access the customers account and clear security
M: Thanks, CC. Okay I see that you’re a new customer and the engineer hasn’t taken you off the walled garden. Now, CC what the walled gar…
CC: WHAT?!?!? HE HAS REMOVED MY GARDEN WALL WHY WOULD HE DO THIS. I WANT YOUR MANAGER AND THE POLICE!!!!
Now the walled garden is basically a “wall” that stops the customer from going onto any other website, except ours. The reason for this is that if the tech forgot to select the security setting, (i.e customers may want to ban all adult websites due to kids having access…that sort of stuff.) then our ISP wont have a law suit on their hands for a kid having access to an 18+ site. It’s a quick fix and a setting that we can change on our end.
M: CC, please don’t worry. Our engineer hasn’t…
At this point CC is going apeshit. Shes almost hysterical.
CC: WHAT RIGHT DOES HE HAVE TO REMOVE MY GARDEN WALL???
M: None, CC. Please listen to me. Our engineer has not touched your garden wall. Go out side and check it. I’m trying to tell you what a walled garden is.
CC: I’m not stupid! (clearly), I know what a garden wall is!
M: I’m sorry for the confusion , but I was referring to a technical term that we use to describe your issue. Removing the walled garden, which again I am not literally meaning to remove your garden wall, should now have fixed your issue. Can you open a new browser window?
CC: A new window?!?
M: Yes please, one you would usually use to …
by this time the customer had threw the phone down and I started to hear some movement going on in the room.
CC: I honestly don’t see the point in this
CC: Okay its open.
M: Okay, do you have access to google now?
CC: Well how should I Know?
M: … So it hasn’t loaded the web page?
CC: Why would opening my living room window magically make my google work?
M: (Holey Fuck!) I asked you to open the browser window. You know… the one on your computer…
CC: Oh, its now working. Well thanks for nothing! *CLICK*