Squirrels

I worked for a trash hauler for a year. People often called about wanting new trash cans. For the record, they cost $100 and we only replace them for free if it’s the garbage truck that damaged them. In this case the caller is an older lady from Missouri to give you an idea of who I was talking to.

Caller: I need a new trash can.

Me: May I ask, what condition is it in?

Caller: Squirrels chewed a hole in the lid.

Me: You’re in luck, lid replacements are really easy and are totally free.

Caller: No, I need the whole can replaced.

Me: Is there anything wrong with the rest of the can?

Caller: It’s covered in blood.

Me: ……….. Um, where is the blood from?

Caller: I don’t know, it’s squirrel blood I think, one of them must have cut themselves on some broken glass in the can.

Me: Oh, no! That’s no good….. Have you tried washing it off with a hose?

Caller: I’m not going to go anywhere near the can! The squirrels have taken it over, and are not afraid of humans anymore!

Me: I’m sorry, but none of the drivers will go anywhere near it either, because that’s a health risk.

Caller: Well I’m not going anywhere near it anymore, those squirrels sitting on top of it, staring at me. You don’t happen to have squirrel-resistant cans, do you?

Me: I’m sorry, we don’t have specifically squirrel-resistant cans, but I’m sure there are sprays you can purchase.

Caller: Well, how quickly can you replace the can for me?

Me: I’m sorry, we are not going to be able to replace the can for you if it’s not damaged and only needs to be cleaned off.

Caller: I TOLD YOU, I’M NOT GOING TO GO ANYWHERE NEAR IT. CAN I SPEAK TO YOUR MANAGER?!

Me: Sure, I’ll be happy to get you over to my manager.

(20 minutes later I get an e-mail from the poor supervisor who had to take over the call from me. It was titled “Quotes from the customer”, and all it said was “Do you know what squirrels are thinking? Can you read inside their minds?”

We did not give her a new trash can.)