*User calling in for internet outage….*
Me: What lights are showing, currently?
Caller: I got four greens, a blue, and a yellow.
Me: Oh crap.. You have a royal flush. Glad you didn’t read the labels, I didn’t want to know the specifics. Colors are literally the only bits of information that I need.
Caller: Does that mean Russian hackers?
Me: It does. That is a perfectly rational and practical assumption, and you are smart for having it. I would imagine you have some pictures and documents on your computer? Maybe even some icons on the screen? A background picture? Do you often browse the internet? Have you ever searched on Google?
Caller: HOW DID YOU KNOW?
Me: WHY ELSE WOULD THE RUSSIANS BE HACKING YOU? YOU NEED TO REMOVE THE POWER CORD FROM THE BACK OF THE ROUTER RIGHT NOW!
Caller: You are right! My kids should have listened to me. Alright, I will remove the cord. Which one is the power cord?
Me: I’m horribly sorry, it was awful of me to assume you knew that the powercord is labeled “power” and is the only cord that connects to a power outlet. So just to let you know, the cord is labeled “Power” and it is the only cord that connects to a power outlet.
Caller: But there are so many cords!
Me: How many cords do you see?
Me: Heavens, what are we gonna do.
Caller: Wait! I see it says “Power”! You should have told me it was labeled! And duh, it would be the only cord plugged into the power cord! You need to be more specific!
Me: I’m sorry I never mentioned those two details. I should be more specific. Wait.. is your last name really Smith? Like THE Smith family? Have you seen any chemtrails recently? Might not be the Russians.
Caller: IT IS AND I HAVE!
Me: Are they straight or wavy?
Caller: They are definitely wavy. Is it the government, or what?
Me: Nah, bruh. Straight lines would mean the government. Wavy is straight up aliens. Have you had any dizzy spells lately?
Caller: Oh my… I have. What does this mean?
Me: Your internet is not out. It’s being rerouted to fry your brain cells. Do you have a microwave at your location?
Caller: I have four.
Me: Perfectly normal. I’d expect no less. You are gonna need to wrap foil around your head. Immediately.
Caller: Okay, hold on. *Rustling*… Okay, I wrapped it twice, just to be sure.
Me: You are a genius and a warrior. You inspire me.
Caller: What now?
Me: I’m concerned that they are listening into our phone call. We need to disconnect. I think I can already hear the static on the line.
Caller: THAT STATIC HAS BEEN THERE FOR YEARS! I TOLD PEOPLE THAT I WAS BEING MONITORED BUT THEY NEVER LISTENED!
Me: They only envy you! We need to disconnect now. Once we do, you need to flip all your breakers and disconnect all your phones! Then find shelter. And remember this phrase: “The Echoes Scream from Mother Russia”
Me: “THE ECHOES SCREAM FROM MOTHER RUSSIA”