So how are *YOU* gonna fix this?

Good afternoon TFCC. I come bearing a cautionary tale of woe, tragedy, and idiocy. I work for an ISP. (I’m aware, I’m the devil. Polish my pitchfork every night) doing tech support. If it don’t work right, I try to fix it. I actually take pride in doing this, and most calls go well. As long as the customer isn’t being a jerk. Enter Lord and Lady Slow-surf(LLSS) and myself (Me))

Me: generic ISP greeting LLSS: My internet is slow! My husband can’t get more than 30 mpbs and I’m paying for 200! How are you gonna fix this?

I attempt to ask a few basic questions. (Does this a daily occurrence? Does it happen on multiple devices)

LLSS tells me she doesn’t know any of that and she’s getting upset because I’m not fixing the problem. She takes the phone into what I’m guessing is her husband’s office and he tells me that he thinks we’re throttling him (we aren’t) and the speed drops based on how much data he’s using(it doesn’t). I make a few more attempts to troubleshoot, and all I can work out is that they’re having intermittent slow surf.

But they won’t let me help them.

They just continue on about how it’s not a modem issue or a signal problem. Which it very well could be. And I could figure this out. If. They. Let. Me. Help. Them.

Finally, I get fed up and tell them that if they are uncomfortable completing the troubleshooting with me over the phone, I’d be happy to set up a service call. Which launches the husband into another tirade about how a field tech isn’t going to help because it’s happening on the corporate side. Eventually the wife agrees to the service call, and as I’m ending the call, I ask if there’s anything else I can help with.

LLSS: Well you didn’t help us at all. click

Alright then. I send an email to their local office and notate the account about their behavior during the call. I don’t want the poor guy to go in blind. Then say a prayer for that poor field tech.

At least QA can’t get me on this one.