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One question at a time please.

This doesn’t really need an intro. I work for an energy company in customer service. M is me, GOB is grumpy old bastard.

Me- ‘Good afternoon, welco-‘

GOB- cuts in ‘Well I hope YOU can help me’ (always a bad start)

Me- ‘Well I’ll certainly try, let’s get you through security an-‘

GOB- ‘Try? What do you mean ‘try’? It’s always the same with you lot, you never get a straight answer’

(I take some time calming him down and identiying him, and finally I can deal with his issue)

GOB- at breakneck speed, I’m a fast typist but I couldn’t keep up, and I’m sure he knew I wouldn’t be able to ‘On my statement dated 19/04/18 I can see an amount of £45.03 that has been transferred from the previous bill dated 16/01/18 and I want to know what it was for, why it was transferred and the date that took place’

Me- ‘Ok, so it appears you took a meter reading between statements so the bala-‘

GOM- ‘Turning to the statement dated 12/10/17 there’s a credit of £140, what date was that credited? I’ve checked my bank statement and I didn’t make a payment at that time’

Me- ‘That’s a credit to help you pay for energy, you must have appl-‘

GOM- ‘And what tariff am I on? I want you to read me the unit rates’

Me- ‘You’re on the Irritating Retirees With Too Much Time On Their Hands tariff, which ends-‘

GOM- ‘And the rates, the rates?’

Me- ‘The Irritating Retirees With Too Much Time On Their Hands tariff has a standing daily charge of 13.9p, and a gas unit rate of-‘

GOM- ‘I’ve been on the internet you know (sensation). I know I can get this cheaper, I want your best price. I’ve been a loyal customer for (at least as twice as long as we’ve been operating)years.’

Me- ‘Going by your usage, the best suggested tariff for you is the Your Grandchildren Ignore Your Calls For Good Reason, with a yearly estimated cost of-‘

GOM- ‘Estimate? You should be able to do better than that my girl.’ (I’m 36, and the presumption of the ‘my’ really fucks me off) as if speaking to someone who’s both deaf and slow ‘I WANT THE PRICE FOR NEXT YEAR. NOT AN ESTIMATE, THAT WAY YOU CAN CHARGE WHAT YOU LIKE, I’VE SEEN WATCHDOG.’

Me- ‘Sir, I can’t give you an accurate price for usage in the future. Circumstances change, people get new appliances-‘

GOM- ‘Useless, you’re all useless. I shall be writing to your Chief Executive.’ click

I looked at the notes on his account, there were dozens of logs on variations of ‘Cust read off a load of questions and became angry when I didn’t answer immediately. Cust hung up.’. Perhaps it’s his kink?

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Good call last week

That’s an interesting choice of words