Me: (Generic opening)
Caller: I’ve not seen or heard from your delivery team and my delivery was to happen between 8AM and Noon. Where are they?
Me: (Gets client information, pulls it up) The notes here state that the team was at your home at 10:11AM and no one was home.
Caller: WHAT!? WHAT!? (random expletives) I’ve been here all day. NO ONE has been to my door or called me.
Me: Sir, the team claims that they called you a half hour before they arrived. You did not answer. Then they called you when they got there. No answer. And then at the ten minute mark of their required 15 minute wait time they phone again with no answer.
Caller: We’ve been down in the living room all damn day. No calls. No knock on the door.
Me: The team would have rang the doorbell.
Caller: Why? Our doorbell is broken. It hasn’t worked in months.
Me: Well, the team has a photo of your home here. Is it a red and tan two story *
Caller: HA! See, they were not here. I have a three story home.
Me: (Uses Google Earth to view the client’s home) Sir, I’m looking at your home right now and it matches what’s in the photo the team took. I only see two stories.
Caller: I have had the basement converted into a living area. That is where we watch television.
Me: Alright, sir, I’m sorry, but there is no way for us to see you have a basement. The team was there at 10:11 AM.
Caller: No, no no no no no, if they were here they should’ve knocked. Everyone knows if you ring a bell and get no answer you always knock.
Me: Sir, our teams are not required to even go to the door. They usually call you from outside. Does your basement get good cell phone reception.
Caller: I get calls down there all the time, I don’t know why I wouldn’t get your team’s call.
Me: Are you calling from the basement currently?
Caller: No. I’m in the dining room. (As if I have an idea of the layout of his home).
Me: Are you able to walk to your basement for me?
Caller: (moving) This is stupid. Your team simply didn’t want to *** (cut off)
Me: (I wait as static occasionally bursts through the line.)
(About ten seconds later)
Me: Sir, I lost you there for a minute. Are you in the basement now?
Caller: No, you wouldn’t answer so I came back upstairs.
Me: Sir, It would appear that your basement interferes with your signal.
Caller: THEY SHOULD HAVE KNOCKED!
Me: Sir, you will be rescheduled to the next available date of (date)
Caller: YOU’RE KIDDING ME! THERE’S NOTHING SOONER.
Me: I’m sorry, but the first available date is (date). There is nothing sooner.
The call concludes in a rousing round of verbal abuse about how bad my company sucks.