Another Saturday, another mental patient

I don’t know what it is about Saturdays but I seem to get the weirdest calls.

Me: Thank you for calling the medical center. How can I help you?

Mental Lady: [out of breath] Yes I need my oncologist’s number right away!

Me: I can look that up for you. Can I get your name so I can pull up your chart?

ML: You don’t need my name. Listen to me! Last week a police officer was arrested in [nearby city]. He raped and killed a little girl. And now the same thing is happening to me. I need my oncologist’s phone number or I’m going to die and have a heart attack.

Me: … I think you need to cal 911.

ML: No listen! They kidnapped me and I’m here with the jungle man. They’re trying to kill me and I need you to get Dr. Lee’s number right away or you’re going to be involved too. You don’t want to be involved in this.

Me: Ma’am I need to open your chart so I can help you find who your oncologist is.

ML: Nope you don’t need that. I’m going to have a heart attack and I’m going to die if you don’t give me this phone number.

Me: I can’t help you if I don’t know who your oncologist is and to do that I need to get your chart open.

ML: You don’t want to get involved in this! They’re keeping me here against my will! Give me the phone number for Dr. Lee.

Me: What is Dr. Lee’s first name?

ML: Um….Sarah?

Me: Is she a provider at [associated cancer clinic]?

ML: Yes

Me: the number is 999-999-9999

ML Nope that’s not it! [click]

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