I don’t know what it is about Saturdays but I seem to get the weirdest calls.
Me: Thank you for calling the medical center. How can I help you?
Mental Lady: [out of breath] Yes I need my oncologist’s number right away!
Me: I can look that up for you. Can I get your name so I can pull up your chart?
ML: You don’t need my name. Listen to me! Last week a police officer was arrested in [nearby city]. He raped and killed a little girl. And now the same thing is happening to me. I need my oncologist’s phone number or I’m going to die and have a heart attack.
Me: … I think you need to cal 911.
ML: No listen! They kidnapped me and I’m here with the jungle man. They’re trying to kill me and I need you to get Dr. Lee’s number right away or you’re going to be involved too. You don’t want to be involved in this.
Me: Ma’am I need to open your chart so I can help you find who your oncologist is.
ML: Nope you don’t need that. I’m going to have a heart attack and I’m going to die if you don’t give me this phone number.
Me: I can’t help you if I don’t know who your oncologist is and to do that I need to get your chart open.
ML: You don’t want to get involved in this! They’re keeping me here against my will! Give me the phone number for Dr. Lee.
Me: What is Dr. Lee’s first name?
Me: Is she a provider at [associated cancer clinic]?
Me: the number is 999-999-9999
ML Nope that’s not it! [click]