Me: Thank you for calling the medical center. How can I help you?
Asshole Patient: This is utterly ridiculous! What you’re doing is illegal
[spoiler: no it’s not]
Me: What seems to be the issue sir?
AP: I’ve been trying to call my doctor and every time I call I end up having to speak to you people! This is illegal!
Me: [lol k] I’m sorry sir but it’s 5:30pm. All the clinics are closed. Are you trying to schedule an appointment or get medical advice?
AP: No! I need my medication!
Me: I can look into that for you. [verifies chart]
AP: Before you look into anything else I want you to tell me when the last communication was sent so I know you’re not completely incompetent!
Me: It looks like a message was sent to your rheumatology clinic this morning.
AP: That’s right. This morning! And they didn’t refill my medication!
Me: I’m seeing that the refill is in process and the request has been sent to Dr. X.
AP: That’s all you have to say? Is that it’s “in process”?!
Me: Yes sir. It’s in your doctor’s inbox right now. I’d imagine you’ll hear back from the clinic tomorrow.
AP: That’s not good enough! I’m out of medication now! I need my refill right now!
Me: Well I’m sorry sir but you’ll have to wait until tomorrow. I’m not medically trained so I can’t refill it for you.
AP: Oh that’s just great! I want you to put that in the notes exactly what you told me so that when I call back someone will know exactly what we spoke about. You’re incompetent!
Me: Sir please don’t speak to me that way or I will disconnect this call. I will include that if you’d like in a message to the clinic though.
AP: Type it! Right now!
Me: [I type it out and read it to him]
AP: And what am I supposed to do if I need that medication?
Me: If it’s an emergency situation you can go to the ER. Otherwise, your clinic will be in touch with you about the refill.
AP: Put that in there too! I want all of this on the record.
Me: I sure will.
AP: So they’ve had it since this morning and they’re still looking into it? What do they need to look into!?!?
Me: Sir you’re not the only person this clinic or this provider sees. The doctor will get this refilled as soon as she can but in the meantime you’ll just have to wait for the clinic to call you.
AP: That’s ridiculous! They should have already filled this and his is criminal!
Me: I’m sorry sir but like I said, if this is an emergency situation you can go to the ER.
AP: I’m not going to the ER! That’s thousands of dollars!
Me: Then you’ll need to wait. I’m sorry sir but I don’t have any other options for you.
AP: No other options. What’s your name?
Me: My name is Umbracelestia.
AP: So you’re telling me that Umbracelestia can’t come up with any other alternatives than that?
Me: No sir. Those are your choices.
AP: I can’t believe that.
Me: [Oh I’m sorry I do have another option. Let me just pull your medication out of my ass for you because I’m fucking magical] I’m sorry but those are the options. Is there anything else I can help you with?
AP: Help!?!? You didn’t help. See ya wouldn’t wanna be ya. [click]