So I work on the email side of customer service at the call center and man I could tell you some stories. While I (thankfully) don’t have to talk to many people over the phone about 70% of the customer service emails I get on a daily basis are pretty…bad.
I’ve worked on the phone end, but emails are a special kind of venom. Someone telling you that you are a piece of crap over the phone is pretty not cool. Someone writing a novel about how you are a piece of crap and then having to write a very polite response back? An easy way to get your jimmies rustled, let me tell you.
The email I’m going to share with you isn’t word for word the email that we received, but it’s pretty dang close. We’ll call the company I work for Generico Bland Food.
Email I Received:
Dear Customer Service,
It’s been a whole half hour! WHERE TF IS MY F-ing BLAND FOOD??????????? It only takes 20 mins to bake bland food not a half hour and it’s going to be burnt as hell! Seriously, I hate this! IT’S GOING TO BE OVERDONE AND I WILL NOT EAT IT ASSHOLE! I live less than 3 minutes away and this should have taken 10 minutes tops! How can you be this horrible??? This is why minimum wage exists.
This is pretty standard fare. And of course I wrote a very polite apology in return. But I mine is a very bitter and sarcastic soul. What I wanted to write was:
Hey Customer Serviced!
Thank you for your message! You seem to be having some misconceptions that I am more than happy to clear up! First, of all the misuses of punctuation in the english language, using too many question marks makes the absolute least sense. Are you trying to convey how confused you are? Because it reads as the literary equivalent of drooling like an idiot.
Second, I need you to take 20 minutes to get baked. Seriously, chill out. It’s just bland food, and you not eating it is not our problem. I mean, we already have your money. The moment you entered your card information all of your complaints ceased to matter to us.
Finally, the fact that you live 5 minutes away and waited for more than 30 minutes for a delivery speaks more to your ineptitude than ours. Put on your 5XL T-shirt, roll those cankles into some socks and sandals, trundle your ass down here and pick up your shit.
Also, minimum wage actually exists to make sure your food isn’t prepared by legions of underpaid, overworked servants. You know, like back before the Civil War. But since you’re so okay with slave labor and keeping it classic, don’t be surprised if your product arrives with a touch more “special ingredient” than usual. Just like old times.
You will eat what we send you and like it,
I’ve got a folder of this shit just chilling on my computer. I sometimes come home from work and respond to emails the way I initially wanted to blow off some steam. If you want more I can definitely share more.