So I work in a utility company but to maintain anonymity I will be using flat tyre metaphors.
You need something valid to complain about. Even if we did something wrong it needs to be something that had inconvenienced you in some way. A mistake (like giving you a better tyre than you paid for) that actually improves your situation will get a sorry we will fix that and you can be on your way.
If you get told it needs to be fixed a certain way, believe the person. That person might know more than you and if it will take a process and a certain length of time chances are it is right. If a mechanic says they need to take the tyre off your car to repair the puncture, don’t demand that they fix it while still attached.
Don’t blame us if your way doesn’t work. You have been on the phone for nearly 2 hours, but 90 mins of that was you shouting at us for not getting your own way. If you had given us ten minutes to check with another department it could have been fixed by now. So no matey, I am not compensating you for the cost of this phone call or cancelling any invoices.
Don’t interrupt me,particularly if it is just to repeat yourself instead of listening to my answer. Do you want me to help you, because right now I don’t want to do anything for you.
Escalation processes are there for a reason. If you think someone did something wrong on a previous call we need to listen to that call. That is why we may have a process that involves asking the person to resolve the complaint doing a full review of your file before calling you back. They may even need to get advice from specialist departments and be able to call you back with a solution immediately rather than waste your time because they haven’t even been able to read your case notes yet. A big reason why we do this is to make you calm down and be more reasonable.
Don’t ask to speak to my manager. My manager knows less about tyres than me because they don’t repair the tyres. Their manager knows even less and the boss of the company ha ha haha. Does Elon Musk know how to change a car tyre???
Don’t be stunned if my manager isn’t working. I mean most business are open 56 hours a week. That’s more than the legal limit in my country for any individual to work. Plus I may know in broad stokes when they are working , but I don’t know their availability to the second.
Look at the calendar. Yes, there is a national holiday on Monday so we will be closed. It is kind of allowed, expected even. And yes, I will get paid for it, damn these laws that keep workers safe and happy, created to inconvenience you.
Don’t insult my colleagues and lie about them. I get that you might be unhappy, but I have know you for seconds at this point. The person you are insulting has been a friend for years. Some of my colleagues have helped clean me up after I puked on a night out, invited me to their weddings, visited me in hospital when I had a baby. Even if I don’t call you out on it immediately I won’t believe you.
You can’t pretend laws don’t exist because you changed your mind. Your problem doesn’t mean we can break the law to compensate you. You are unhappy with the tyre change but I can’t say you can drive off in a car that only has only three wheels and certify it as roadworthy.
Don’t lie. Yeah, you won’t believe me when I say this, but you are useless at it. You told me you had professional experience then make a blunder that mixed up your backside and your elbow. Does not help your cause.
Tell me you will get me fired. I will just spend the rest of day humming https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RtiaReNsHOo