[ad_1]
My first “big boy” job was at an Insurance company. Won’t say their name, but as a hint I’ll say, “bum ba dum bum bum bum bum.”
I’ll preface this by saying I am a patient guy. Too patient. As in, I will spend hours explaining the most basic concepts to grown adults who refuse to believe me because it isn’t what they want to hear. Many people believe if they are aggressive enough, they can manifest the impossible into existence. I’ll also say my job had a policy where you aren’t allowed to hang up the phone without resolving the call unless you get a sup’s permission, regardless of how awful they are. Here are some highlights from one of the most mind-blowing calls I’ve ever had.
Characters:
ME: Your faithful narrator
TB: Total Buttwad – the caller
TTB: Total Tool Bag – husband of Total Buttwad
(Immediately)
ME: Hi! Thanks for calling Barnyard Insurance, my name is Shinobi and I’m happy to help you out today. What can I do for –
TB: IS THIS (name of agent on record)?! YOU OWE ME $500!!!!
When people call their agents after hours, it goes to the corporate center where I work. I’m used to people thinking they’re calling their agents and having to explain it to them. It was about 6:00 PM at this time and most offices are 9-5.
ME: Hey, so I am not your agent, you called after hours which sent you to our corporate center. But I can definitely see what I can do to help you out. What’s going on?
TB: (fake laughs condescendingly) That has got to be the worst excuse I’ve ever heard. Put him on now.
ME: *hoo boy, maybe I should level with them a bit* So I actually am in a call center and have never met your agent before, probably best you call them tomorrow during working hours since this seems personal. Want me to send them an email or leave them a message for you? I can share their number too, if you need.
TB: I ALREADY CALLED THE NUMBER! THIS IS THE NUMBER I CALLED! GIVE ME THE $500 YOU OWE ME OR WE’LL SUE YOUR FUCKING ASS TIL YOU CAN’T EVEN AFFORD A BOX TO SLEEP IN.
For brevity’s sake, I’ll skip around. After 15 minutes of convincing her I am not her agent in disguise, she finally gets to why she called.
TB: He told me he could save us $500 on our auto insurance when we met him this morning, but we just got our bill in the mail and it didn’t change at all.
ME: I see, and I totally get being alarmed by that. To explain what I think happened, it seems as though he probably gave you an estimate after quoting some policy changes but didn’t push them through (her account had no changes in the last month).
TB: SO YOU’RE ROBBING US $500?! YOU HAVE GOT TO DO BETTER THAN THAT OR YOU’LL BE SORRY.
ME: Once again, since I was not involved in the situation at all I really think it is best you call him in the morning. I can almost guarantee he just quoted you an estimate and can push it through. I’d hesitate to make any changes since I’m not sure exactly what he offered or if I can do it myself.
TB: You’re a fucking liar and I can prove it.
ME: I’m sorry?
TB: I’m holding the bill in my hands. What is your excuse now?
ME: Ah, I get it! So our bills are sent out about two weeks before your next due date to give you time to prepare for the payment, so if he quoted you this change this morning then it won’t be reflected on the bill which was sent out 2 weeks before you even spoke to him about these changes.
TB: OK, BUT EXPLAIN WHY OUR BILL SAYS WE STILL OWE THE OLD AMOUNT! YOU ARE A LIAR!!!
This goes on and on back and forth for about 15 minutes, seriously. At this point, she starts crying and says I need to talk to her husband because she can’t handle me anymore. Enter Total Tool Bag.
TTB: WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU SAY TO MY WIFE? YOU ARE ASKING TO GET FUCKING SUED. SHE IS BAWLING.
ME: (trying to revel in the humor of the situation even though I’m about to lose my marbles) Hello, sir! *recaps situation and my response to it, hoping he might be a bit better of a listener. Nope*
TTB: …So what you’re saying is you’re ok with robbing us $500 after promising us we could save it? You know I know a great lawyer, right? What is your first and last name?
ME: We don’t give out last names or personal information, sir. It is a safety precaution (this is true, because of people like them).
TTB: So let’s say I drive down to (agent)’s office and demand to see (sarcastic voice) “Shinobi.” What then?
ME: *internally* holy shit.
By this point my coworkers in the cubicles next to me are sharing concerned looks and chuckles as I’m running my hands through my hair. My sup chats me asking why the call is taking so long and I explain I am talking to two brick walls but I could handle it. Luckily he is an awesome and understanding guy and basically told me, “I’m here if you need me. Take your time. Godspeed.”
Cut to another 15-20 minutes of explaining the same things over and over to him and TTB drops this absolute gem.
TTB: I can prove you wrong right now. I am holding the policy in front of me right now and it SAYS the savings are almost $500 per period. Right here in black and white. The only problem I have is that it says, “estimate” right next to the policy name.
ME: (stunned silence)
TTB: No response to that, huh?
Me: *internally* holy shit
Eventually I convince them to let me call their agent tomorrow morning and figure it out. I am 100% positive my very first answer was correct. Before hanging up, I hear TB hysterically banshee shrieking through tears telling TTB to tell me that because of me, they missed their church service.
TTB: Just so you know, because we wasted so much time talking to you, we missed our church service.
ME: *skipping over the fact that if they had listened to me and not thrown tantrums it would have been a 3 minute call* I am very sorry about that. I promise I will do everything in my power to figure this out for you and take no more of your time.
I leave a voice-mail and email to their poor, poor agent and explain everything just to cover my bases. I tell him I’ll call him too so if I already talk to him he can disregard the messages. The next day I immediately give him a call upon logging in. He answers with a friendly voice and I tell him the situation. As soon as I tell him the names of the clients, I hear him mutter, “Jesus fucking Christ” under his breath. These people have a reputation, apparently. He says he will call them later that day. I give him my email in case he needs my help and tell him good luck and godspeed, as my sup did to me.
It was exactly as I had guessed – he sent them a quote that they took as legally binding. They didn’t even agree to it, just saw it and liked what they saw.
I call them back as a courtesy and TTB answers.
Me: Hello Total Tool Bag, it’s Shinobi from yesterday calling back like I promised. Here is the deal. *explain everything I already told him yesterday but tell him I got ahold of his agent and his agent will call him*
TTB: OK.
ME: And for the record, I’m sorry you missed your service yesterday. I hope you and your wife have a good day today.
TTB: …OK.
*click*
No gratitude, no apologies. Just click. Immediately I receive another call and have to compose myself.
They may have missed their service but damn if I didnt give them an entire sermon on turning the other cheek.
[ad_2]
