Speedrunners are the worst!


People who *somehow* manage to fail the automatic security process despite having all of the relevant information to hand, and then come through to me and try to *speedrun* their way through the manual security process are some of the worst people to deal with. They always have the same ‘my time is more valuable than yours’ attitude and act like you are massively inconveniencing them by not having the answers to their questions pre-prepared, as though you were expecting and anticipating their call.

Whenever I get one of these clowns on the phone, I *really* like to take my time with them and make sure they get the possible customer experience, and make sure their every want and whim is catered for, even things that they may not have considered prior to the call.

Example (C = Customer / M = Me)

**Incoming Call (Security Failed)**

M: Good mor-

C: (Interrupting) *MynameisMrImpatientmydateofbirthisDDMMYYYYmyaddressis123speedrunlanefastparkswiftcityandmypostcodeisthisseriesoflettersandnumbers*

M: Can I jus-

C: (Interrupting) *OkaysothereasonIamcallingtodayisbecauseIreceivedaletterfromyouonDDMMYYYYexplainingthatXYandZhappenedandIrespondedtothatletteronDDMMYYYYandifyoucheckyoursystemyoucanseethatresponseANYWAYIsentthatletterinandhaventheardanythingbackfromyouandIjustwantedtofindoutwhatwasgoingonwiththisIhavebeenwaitingalmost4minutessinceIsentthisletterandIhavenothadaresponseandthisisinnowaygoodenough*

M: (Waiting for the caller to stop talking, to make sure they’ve gotten everything out of their system before I even try and deal with the call)

C: *Helloareyouthere?Hello?Hello?Isanyonethere?*

M: Hello. Yes, I am still here. I was just making sure that you had said everything that you needed to say before we proceed with the security process.

C: *ButIvealreadydonesecurity*

M: Unfortunately, the call came through showing that automatic security was attempted but was not passed, meaning that I need to complete security manually in order to access your records and deal with your query.

C: *ButIvealreadygivenyouallmyinformation*

M: Unfortunately, you did not give me your reference number, so I was unable to bring up your details with which to cross reference them with the information that you were providing.

C: *SowhatdoIneedtodonowthen?*

M: We just need to complete the security process manually and then I will be able to access your records and deal with your query.

C: *Wellgetonwithitthen*

M: Can you please confirm your reference number for me?


M: Sorry, I just want to make sure I got that right. Was it XXXXXXXXX? (I read the exact same reference number back to them, but place emphasis on different letters and numbers so it *sounds* different)


M: Okay, just to make sure I’ve got this right, you said XXXXXXXXXX (This time placing emphasis on other letters and numbers, making it sound different still)


M: Excellent! There we go. I have your details here. Now, can you just confirm your full name for me?

C: *IvealreadygivenyoumyfullnameWerentyoulisteningbeforeWhyareyouaskingmethisagain*

M: I need this information in order to complete security. Can you please confirm your full name for me?

C: *BIGSIGHYesitisMrImpatient*

M: Can I please take your *full* name?

C: *EVENBIGGERSIGHYesitisMrIamreallyfuckingImpatient*

M: Thank you. Now, can I just ask you to confirm your date of birth?

C: *Areyoufuc-*

I will continue like this for the remainder of the call. I might throw in a couple of ‘Sorry, my system is running really slow at the moment, I just need to wait for it to catch up’ during the call, a couple of ‘Sorry, the system has stopped responding, I just need to re-launch this’ and maybe one or two ‘Sorry, could you just repeat that for me? The call cut out there for just a moment’ after they’ve explained something lengthy.

Sure, it might screw my stats up for the rest of the day, but I don’t really care about that, and it is so much fun to screw with someone like this when they have that ‘my time is too valuable’ attitude.


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