My company supplies a massively popular product – think vodka in Russia kind of popular – to retail outlets as big as Walmart and as small as local corner stores.

Idiot is idiot and yells a lot, me is me.

Idiot calls in looking to set up a trading account with us.

Me: No problems, here’s the link to the online application. If you have any questions about the application email our support and we’ll help you out!

Idiot: What can you do for me? I’m going to be ordering MASSIVE quantities at least once a week, very large quantities – MASSIVE. What kind of deals can you offer me?

Me: Oh sorry I misunderstood there. Once we get your account set up we’ll have a sales rep get in contact and they can discuss pricing, discounts and seasonal offers. These are based on many factors, and your large orders will certainly get you some form of bulk buying discount.

Idiot: Look here BOY I need to know how competitive you are and if it’s worth my time to go with you instead of . I’m talking huge, weekly orders, MASSIVE ordering every week.

Me: I assure you we’re quite competitive, and I can provide you with base pricing but until a sales rep hammers out an agreement with you I couldn’t give you accurate numbers. (Industry standard, competitor works exactly the same way).

Idiot: Don’t you want your company to make MASSIVE profits? Boy, I’m talking HALF A PALLET EVERY WEEK. Do you get what I’m saying now? If you can’t help me those MASSIVE orders will go to .

Half a pallet. 35 units. This guy is delusional. A retailer the size of Walmart orders closer to 10 pallets weekly for each individual outlet, and there are hundreds of outlets nationally. 35 units is chump change to us, a pretty average order for a small independent retailer. To our annual bottom line it’s bordering on being a rounding error.

Me: Hmm yes I certainly understand. I’ll still need you to fill out the application for legal reasons but I’ll make sure you get referral to our VIP (no such thing) ICT team (the folks who handle tiny retailers and have 30 accounts per employee). I’ll even offer you free shipping on your first order (everyone gets this by default) and make sure the VIP team is aware.

Idiot: See! Was that so hard now? No. We’re both going to make MASSIVE profits here boy!

Sure thing dickhead. Your approximately $1500 dollar order is going to have our CEO jump out of his chair…..

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I’d call that a win.