So hi, I really have to share this story which is long. I’m exhausted so I’ll do my best. Furthermore english is not my native language so even though I support cst’s in English, because yeah, call centers, my writing, syntax etc is probably basic.
tl;dr: in the end
The second call I received today was the lengthiest of my s/career on the call center: 1 hour & 30 minutes. I work for a company with cameras and printers supporting UK customers, which admittedly are quite obnoxious.
So this guy was already irate when they reached me, having issues with the scanning function of their stupid printer which was connected via USB. I was pretty sure from the beginning of the call that the choleric jerk was using the wrong type of cable. So I’ll call him my Bratty sub from now on, while I will address myself as the Oblivious Dominatrix.
I asked them to specify the type of USB they’re using.
Bratty sub:Argh, the cable is FINE, now tell me what to do!
Oblivious Dominatrix: We will proceed but first we need to make sure that the cable one compatible with your printer.
Bratty sub: It is compatible! My USB cable is modern.
Oblivious Dominatrix: I am sure it is modern, but we need to specify WHICH s/modern USB cable it is, precisely. We need the specifications.
Now this is where I fucked up and instead of directing the call I let them take the lead. It was early in the morning, I was half asleep I’ll be soon leaving the project, so I just gave up. Customer is confused but very confident & entitled. Plus, they hear I’m a woman so they instantly devalue my technical knowledge.
Anyways, it turns out that everything is a mess, they haven’t installed the scanner driver, so I inform that they need to do so and offered to send the drivers on their email. Helped them identify OS. So as I’m about to say my goodbyes and provide them with the reference number,so they could call back if the issue persists after the installation, (I do not address the USB anymore), then the snarky jerk demands of me to stay with them during the installation, which we don’t normally do. Guy is so annoying and goes about:
Bratty sub: NO, NO, NO. No way you are leaving me alone in the middle of the Ocean surrounded by sharks! -he actually said that- You are going to guide me through this.
I’m not bothered anymore with my AHT since I’m going away so I’m like whatever, let’s do this.
I’ll summarise the mess they got me in: Firewall enabled, assisted the PC illiterate ass to disable it even though it’s a 3rd party software which we do NOT support, in order to ensure a complete installation. Guided them on control panel in order to uninstall old drivers. Informed them that in order to connect wirelessly the must ensure a 2,4 GHz on the router, so it makes sense that their connection, before trying the USB, was not stable since their router emits both 5 & 2,4. They impertinently disregarded those facts. Whatever asshole, go to your fucking email now.
Oblivious Dominatrix: Could you please check your email? It had already been sent.
Bratty sub: No. It’s not here.
They were not able to view the email which I’ve sent 3 TIMES on the email I spelled phonetically numerous times, advised the ass to check their spam folder.
Bratty sub:No. I have no spam folder
Oblivious Dominatrix: Could you please refresh your page?
Bratty sub: No email whatsoever.
Oblivious Dominatrix: I see. So, then please provide me with another email.
Bratty sub shrieking in their foolishly unhelpful manner: I have no other email!
Oblivious Dominatrix: So then I cannot assist you any further.
Bratty sub: Oh yes you can! Guide me on your website so I’ll download them myself.
Oblivious Dominatrix: I am really sorry, but I cannot assist you in that way. Kindly provide me with another email address.
Bratty sub: Absolutely not! You guide me on your website. You are making everything complicated the other guy helped (they called before some time ago) but you are making everything so complicated. (The other guy just told them to use a USB cable and instantly got rid of their rude ass)
Oblivious Dominatrix: I have to inform you that in order to use the scanner you need the appropriate drivers, also since you installed the drivers choosing the wireless LAN as your connection, it is more proper to install them anew choosing the new connection method.
Bratty sub: Arghhh! You help me right now you hear me? You created this mess and I demand you help me at once!
Oblivious Dominatrix: I need you to tone down and address me in a civil manner, since I’m doing everything I can in order to assist you, going out of scope even. So if you do not show respect to my services I will terminate this call as a result of your conduct.
Bratty sub: Ok, fine let’s go on then… Aha, I have received your email! It was on another folder🤔
Oblivious Dominatrix: Okay, so please click on the link.
Bratty sub: I cannot even do that!! It is not clicking! I will have to copy paste! Okay, what I do know? Select download?
Oblivious Dominatrix: Exactly. Please do that.
Bratty sub: And now do I select save or run?
And so on with their ignorance.
So after multiple installation attempts the printer was not showing up. After having them demonstrating their entitled shittty behaviour slightly toned down, combined with the utmost lack of basic technical knowledge I begin to clear my nebulous mind and after some rude and low class manipulative attempts I suddenly snap to Ruthless Militant Mode.
Dominatrix with a cold inhumane voice: I informed you from the beginning of this call, that you have to verify the type of cable you are using. Just because it fits it doesn’t mean it’s compatible. You didn’t, so here we are. Now listen; You have the choice to select your connection method. If it is the USB, you need to ensure that you are indeed using a High speed USB cable for a B -for bravo- port. If it’s the wireless, then contact your ISP and ensure a 2,4 GHz on the router. Is the aforementioned clear? I said more than that but I honestly don’t remember. It felt like I was high on something. I occasionally had some reality checks due to my colleagues astound faces but I was snapping back to the sadistic flight or fight mode instantly.
Bratty sub in a toned down little voice: You earlier addressed my not-so-polite way, and you were absolutely right and I did my best in order to be respectful; now you are speaking to me like a Mistress.
In the meantime all my colleagues where enjoying my performance, forgot to mention that before snapping I was updating them every now and then swearing on him, while I was putting him on mute. When he called me a mistress I calmly told them. They were clapping and congratulating me.
So I continue guiding him without commenting on what he just said. He transformed into the most docile little creature. He started asking me if I feel okay.
Bratty sub: Oh you sound tired! Are you going on a break any time soon?
Ahh, I m so sorry this must have been your worst call. I’m the worst customer ever :'(
I really hope you won’t have any other difficult calls today 😍
He was even being cute with me to the point I started laughing kind of hysterically must admit having my colleagues dumbfounded with the new route this endless call was taking and the strict-but-fair mistress vibes I was emitting (there was a low volume so they had all the time to observe the surreal interaction).
So after terminating the call,
with him thanking me from the bottom (yes you are a bottom we get it) of their heart for resolving the issue and having his printer connected wirelessly
(their stupid ass was miraculously capable of disabling the 5 GHz leaving the 2,4 only) being able to print & scan, wishing me to enjoy my day and apologising profoundly for their behaviour; I just went out for my break and honestly 11 hours later I am still in a weird headspace; in this liminal state, sort of disoriented with a sore throat, exhausted, but kind of serene.
EDIT: Formatting
TL;TR: Technical support call escalates to a kind of a personal interaction with BDSM nuances. Entitled, rude & ignorant jerk gets some discipline and transforms into a docile & caring sub on a the lengthiest call I have ever handled.
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