On any one day I swear I get at least one call regarding car insurance that goes as follows. All names, numbers etc are changed. It’s a little bit long but this is the nightmare I endure on the regular.

me: Hi your speaking with teddirez, can I start with your policy number please

customer (c): what was your name? peter??

me: no it was teddirez

c: thanks kevin, listen.. you people sent me a letter saying my premiums have gone up, i just want to pay the same as last year nothing has changed rant rant rant

me: that’s no good, let me see what I can do about that, do you have the policy number handy there?

c: I don’t have it

me: it should be on the letter we sent you, top right.

c: …… no it’s not there

me: in big bold letters, usually starts with XXX (it’s clear as day on every letter we send)

c: i can’t see it.

me: that’s no problem, I can find you with your name, date of birth & address

c: yeah it’s Betty (not real name)

me: thanks Betty, your full name, date of birth and address?

c: don’t my details come up with my phone number?

me: yes they do, but for privacy we need to ensure we’re speaking to the right person

c: *sigh* Betty Smith

me: *internal sigh* thanks again Betty, and your date of birth and address please?

c: i don’t like giving out my date of birth

me: i know, no one does but we have to unfortunately

c: *another sigh* it’s five (beep) ten, nineteen (beep)

me: i’m sorry Betty, sounded like you might be pushing some buttons there on the phone and I missed what you said

c: i wasn’t pushing any (beep)ns

me: sometimes if you’re not quite holding holding the phone right it happens (makes finger gun salute to my temple)

c: I (beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep)

me: i’m still getting the button noise Betty and I missed it again

c: let me put on your speaker phone

me: no no that’s o…

c: hang on

me: (looks for somewhere to hang a noose)

c: ^{is that better}

me: not really, you’re very quiet now. nevermind lets keep moving. your date of birth and address please

c: 6 7 1956 47 abc st mytown

(now with the phone IN her mouth or something and me madly hitting down on the volume)

me: ok thankyou, yes I can see your premium has gone up $40 over last year (in the grand scheme of things $40 month is sweet fa)

c: yes nothing has changed but now my car is worth less and the price has gone up

me: that does happen unfortunately, insurance works on risk, our business costs typically increase just like everyone else like electricity etc.

c: when I made a claim they said my premium wouldn’t go up

me: that’s right, we’re protecting your no claim bonus

c: but it’s still gone up and you people said it would

me: well it hasn’t gone up due to your claim, but as I said there are dozens and dozens of factors that come into pricing, including your age the age of the car, number of accidents in the area in general. you’re still receiving all our other discounts and of course our wonderful service. ;-P

c: can’t you do any better?

me: as you’ve utilised our claims service recently, we haven’t increased your premiums as a direct result but we can’t offer any further over and above all the ones you’re already receiving

c: I couldn’t be bothered ringing around, i’ll just pay it

me: (finally) ok will that be visa mastercard or amex?

c: it’s a mastercard visa

me: (i’ll work it out, just say the numbers) ok go ahead with the numbers

c: it’s 4 5 6 4 (that’s visa) twenty 6

me: is that 26 or 2 0 6?

c: 4 5 6 4 (alright already I got that) twenty 6

me: (oh ffs)

we get there eventually, pretty sure she said batman symbol or something along the way

me: ok I just need the 3 digit CCV number on the back

c: I was told not to give that out or people can take my money

me: (lol) yes that’s right, we need it in order to process your payment. It will only be for the amount shown though.

If you got this far, thanks for reading and stay strong my fellow head setters.