"I just need the password for YOUR internet!"

A colleague of mine wanted me to share this story on the sub. I overhead the call and was both laughing in amusement/wincing in sympathy throughout its duration.

Me= hapless coworker

DM= Dense man

WS= well-meaning supervisor

I work for a small ISP that has over the years acquired other small ISPs in the area. This call was from one of our customers that we had acquired in such a manner.

It starts off innocently enough with him asking for our ‘internet password’.

Haha, silly users, obviously you mean wifi password, maybe there’s another device I can get the password from.

I start trying to help him find the WIFI password on one of his devices, but he stops me.

DM: “No, I’m not looking for the wifi password. I need your internet, which you now call Zimbra I guess, password to log into my bank.”

Wait, what. We do have a Zimbra program for email for our customers, but what does that have to do with his bank?

Me: “Are you trying to log into your email to receive an email regarding your bank login?”

DM: “No, I’m at my bank’s website and need the password for your internet to log in.”

Oh, easy, I just need to get him to his bank

But first to make sure that it is what I think it is, I verify he’s at his bank’s website and bring it up myself to see what he’s seeing. Sure enough he’s describing it perfectly, just getting a wrong username/password error when trying to log in.

Me: “It looks like you’re trying to use the wrong username or password for your bank, can I transfer you to them to help you with the issue?”

DM: “No no no, I was able to log in when I was on the bank’s internet. I just need the password for YOUR internet.”

What.

A few more back and forths with the customer like this and I’ve been on the phone with him for about half an hour when my supervisor decides to be helpful and starts sending me messages.

WS: “Is he able to get online?”

WS: “Maybe he’s just doing a search, make sure he’s clicking on the link!”

WS: “Have you tried transferring him to the bank?”

Well-intentioned, but we’ve gone beyond reason and logic here.

At this point my will to live has started tanking and I’m just letting everyone rant at me. There is nothing I can do. Or is there?

I get a last ditch idea and start attempting to explain that my company doesn’t have a separate internet, just that we provide the connection to get to places on the internet itself.

Me: “We’re like the highway, the bank is a place you’ve driven to and you’re just locked out. You’ve called the highway repair people because you’re locked out of the bank. You need to talk to your bank since you’re locked out of their building.”

DM: “Well it sounds like your highway and the banks highway aren’t merging properly.”

I…. don’t know what to say, or what to do. My brain has melted, my soul has died. I just keep reiterating that we can’t help, as there’s not anything else I can think to say at that point.

Me: “Sir, we cannot help you. The only people in the world who can help you with this is your bank. Let me transfer you to them.”

DM: “No, that’s okay. I’m down there all the time and it works when I’m on their internet.”

If there was a kind God, he’d let me die. Another torturous half hour or so later, he finally gives up on getting the password for our internet.

I wish him a nice evening.

DM: “You shouldn’t wish people a nice day when you don’t even help them.”

Yeah, sure, guy. Whatever.

Edit- Fixed some formatting/name confusion.