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But you called me….

On phone, forgive formatting. So, several years ago I spent one miserable year working at a call center that gave me a lifetime of stories. I was reminded of one today. So some context.

The call center I worked for had a contract with an American cell company. There has just been a buyout with another company. The idea was to transition the accounts into our companies systems instead of waiting for people to change plans. Which people didn’t want to do because before the buyout the other company went on a loyalty drive and the rate plans they got were ridiculous. This becomes important later. The transition was happening in stages and during the first stage there were exactly 4 teams handling these accounts for one market.

We were lured from our old teams by the $0.25/hr raise. It was not worth it.

So, I ($ME) get a call from from Box Store Asshole ($BSA) about one of these accounts.

$ME: HI, thank you for calling, this is m3m3t, how can I help? $BSA: Yeah, the system screwed up and I need to reverse an upgrade. $ME: Oh, you was me to put back the old phone on the account (thinking they had put a new SIM number in the account). I can do that for you but next time you can save time by… $BSA: No you idiot I need to revert the rate plan upgrade. The system won’t let me. $ME: You’ve already activated the upgrade? $BSA: They decided that they don’t want the phone (I can remember the exact reason, but weirdly enough, it had nothing to do with the rate plan) $ME:…. Hold please.

Remember those ridiculous plans I mentioned? We had nothing like them, so when the accounts were transitioned they became READ-ONLY (RO) . You can change the SIM card and personal account details but that’s it.

I take a closer look at the account. Yup, there is the CLOSED indicator. For these accounts, a better word would be DEATH because it can’t be undone without a court order. I take a look at the now former rate plan. Unlimited calling and texts and data (this was back when unlimited plans didn’t exist). The closest plan we has was $100+ and they were paying $30.

Wanting to help the agent out, I put a call into retentions ($RET). LPT: threatening cancel will usually get you sent to retentions and they have offers that normal agents do t have access to.

$ME: hey $RET this is m3m3t, I can a $BSA that upgraded a RO and the customer wants to go back out. Do you have any offers that’s close to what they have now?

$RET: Hahaha. You’re kidding, right?

$ME: That’s what I thought. Do me a favor and notate that on the account?

What I’d done in the past is take the call with customer to explain exactly what happened and they’re options. I was not required to and I took a hot on my call time number but my manager always backed me since it worked out best for everyone.

$ME: Thanks for waiting… $BSA: How are you this bad at your job? I do this all the time! Just do your job.

Really? Okay, I’ll just do my job.

$ME: …. Okay, do you have the account up on your screen. $BSA: of course. $ME: I’m guessing in your hurry to get your commission you didn’t read the account comments. In particular, the massive warning in caps that state this is a transitioned account. And that upgrades can’t be undone. You’ll also see my notes and retentions notes that we have nothing of equal value to offer the customer. $BSA:….. What do I do…? (Here is where he realizes how fucked he is). $ME: I’m guessing someone just got a brand new phone. Is there anything else I can help you with today?

Tldr: agent didn’t read notes on an account and was rude so now he has to explain to his boss why a customer was going to get a free phone.

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I need an ivy league phone monkey, stat!

TW: Suicide threat. Lady gets angry over phone and threatens to make me listen to her committing suicide.