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Teach me how to suck eggs

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I work in mobile sales taking inbound calls. SIM cards are all provided on a credit card sized piece of plastic, then you pop it out to the size you need to fit in your phone, all 3 possible sizes are provided, you just keep popping it out till it’s smaller and smaller.

Someone called in from a mobile number that isn’t on our network.

Me: standard introduction

Cust: i just bought one of your SIM cards and it won’t fit in my phone, it’s way too small it’s ridiculous

Me: okay no problem, is it a payg (pay as you go) or paym (pay monthly) SIM card you’ve bought?

Cust: it’s a payg I just bought it in your shop today

Me: okay, just so I can find your account, can you give me the number that’s come with it? It will be on the packaging

Cust: I don’t have an account with you, I just said I can’t fit it in my phone so I’m not using your company yet!

Me: uhuh, so the SIM you’ve bought will have a mobile number already attached, which will have an account on our system

Cust: you don’t need that to help me, the SIM is downstairs and I’m not getting up just to give you a stupid number which you don’t need

Me: so the reason I’m asking for the number is so that I can get you verified on it, then transfer you to the department that can help. I’m the sales department, I’m limited in how I can help with after sales

Cust: you don’t need it to help me!

Me: okay I’ll ask the PAYG department if they can help by giving general advice, although they will be limited in how they can help, please hold

PAYG department won’t take the call without the number, but they do confirm that its the same as a paym SIM where you pop it out and that

Me: hello again, the PAYG department can’t take your call without the mobile number, but they did give me some advice for putting the simcard in the phone. The SIM card you bought, is it the size of a credit card that you then pop the SIM out of like when you set up a board game?

Cust: no its cardboard.

Me: … So inside the cardboard, you’ve got the plastic SIM card yeah?

Cust: no the whole SIM card is made out of cardboard and it fell apart and it’s useless! You’re as bad as my current network! Your selling cardboard sims and your refusing to do your job! The other department is too lazy to even speak to me!

Me: so as I explained, they can’t take your call without the mobile number. If you gave me that they’d be happy to help. Since You’re not willing to, I can only generally advise you. So the SIM cards all come in a credit card shaped piece of plastic which you pop out to be smaller and smaller till you have the right size. You can slot the pieces back together to make a bigger sim card again to fit in your phone

Cust; ITS MADE OF CARDBOARD NOT PLASTIC

Me: it’s not made of cardboard, it’s made of plastic

Cust: NO ITS NOT

Me: have you tried putting it back together?

Cust: ITS CARDBOARD IT FELL APART

Me: it’s plastic! Put it in a glass of water and see what happens

Cust: oh do you want me to go down the farmyard and get an egg SO YOU CAN TEACH ME TO SUCK AN EGG?!

Me: look what do you want me to do? I’m advising you, that’s all I can do over the phone

Cust then starts saying more stuff similar to the egg comment before, can’t remember which examples though

Me: seriously what do you want me to do here? I can’t put it in the phone for you, I can only tell you how to

Cust (in increasingly sarcastic voice): why don’t you drive down here yourself and do it then!

Me: you want me to DRIVE TO YOUR HOUSE to put a SIM card in your phone for you? Go back to the shop and they will do it for you since you don’t want to listen to me

Cust: OH BRILLIANT CUSTOMER SERVICE! AMAZING! YOU SHOULD BE PROMOTED AND HAVE YOUR OWN CARPARK IN THE COMPANY FOR YOUR AMAZING CUSTOMER SERVICE EXPERIENCE YOUVE PROVIDED! ….. NOT! *hangs up*

Ngl I don’t give a shit about customer service anymore, or my sales performance, I just want out. The next customer was lovely and I just threw every discount I had at her. £150 to pay today? Wave that. £34mrc? Lets take 20% off that. Then let’s waste 30 mins chatting about your plans for the weekend.

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Self-Defeating Callers

anyone else???