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I apologize for length, but it’s a story that went on for almost a full year in the slow burner.
TL/DR: Lawyer hires us to get out of a timeshare, but still thinks he knows better. Doesn’t cooperate, screws himself hard, and I get a fat bonus for doing nothing but sitting on his case for almost a full year.
Long Version: (you were warned)
I used to work at a company that dealt with timeshare exits. Part office worker, part call center.
Timeshares (TS) nowadays are a TOTALLY honorable industry, much in the same way a hot dog is a prime cut of meat. They use high pressure sales tactics, an unscrupulous, two-faced sales force that will tell as many blatant lies to get you to sign an incredibly airtight, and legally binding contract that they will not give you enough time to inspect. Once you are past the cancellation window, you can’t cancel it. You are in it for life. More importantly, YOUR FAMILY IS IN IT FOR LIFE, WHETHER THEY WANT TO OR NOT.
If you don’t believe me go on ebay, and look for timeshares. Sort from low to high. You will find pages of TSs selling for a dollar, because they are hoping that some other poor guy will take the turd off of their hands. I’ve got pages of horror stories about how they screw GENERATIONS of people’s families over this stuff, and take their hard-earned money, all of it legally, but that’s a story for another time.
All you need to know is that a TS contract is a state of near-inescapable financial slavery nirvana that the collective fin-dom community can only ever dream to achieve.
Anyways, back to TS exits. I have a process. When a new client is onboarded, we start with a phone call where we ask them to be in front of a computer. We also tell them the call will take between 30 to 45 minutes.
Before every call, we tell them that they are recorded, and during the first call, (not before) we send them an email with an overview of our 3-6 month processes, a list of documents we need, a list of services they are entitled to, and the e-documents we need signed before we can even look at the documents. It’s a chonky email, and I’m always happy to let a 45 minute call turn into a 2 hour call. I will stay on the line until you have no further questions.
Clients can always hit skip on the onboarding, though; no skin off my nose, as long as I get all the stuff that I need. This happens rarely because by this time in their TS ownership journey, they want someone to tell them that they are not in a pit, they are in a tunnel, and there is a light at the end of it.
Enter one Asshole Lawyer. (AL)
I make the call at a schedule time. He picks up.
“Hi, I’m OP, with TS exit company XYZ. This call will be recorded. This call will take approximately 30 to 45 minutes. Can we talk?”
“This is AL. you have 5 minutes for your pitch.”
<thought bubble> Pitch? What pitch? We’ve already got your money on escrow. I’m not here to pitch anything. I’m here to explain to you what you’ve bought. And 5 minutes? I can’t squeeze 30 minutes worth of stuff into 5! </thought bubble>
“I’m sorry, I can’t do it in 5 minutes. I can send you the info, and you can go through it at your own pace. I strongly suggest we re-schedule so I can go over it with you, because there is a lot to unpack.”
“I’m a lawyer. I ‘know doc-cu-ments,’ and I don’t need ‘doc-cu-ments’ explained to me.”
I send him the email, I ask if he’s got it, he says he’s got it.
“Would you like me to follow up with another call next week? Just in case you have any questions?”
“I’m a lawyer. There’s nothing someone like YOU can clarify that I can’t figure out himself.”
<thought bubble> You couldn’t figure a TS contract and bought one. Then you couldn’t figure out how to get out of it, which is why you came to us, but what do I know? </thought bubble>
He hangs up.
I update my notes. My recording software notifies me that the call has been successfully recorded.
Most clients get me all the documents within one week. Many, within days. They are VERY motivated to GTFO their timeshare. AL’s progress bar doesn’t move for 2 weeks. Now, as much as I hate rude clients, I hate Timeshare companies even more so every time I cancel a TS contract, it’s a win, and I want another win. I start leaving him weekly voicemails, and emails reminding him that I need those documents.
1 month later, AL calls.
“This is the third time I’m calling you about this! There’s an asshole in your company blowing up my phone line and clogging up my inbox!”
“Oh, I apologize for that, let me take a look.” I check the call center’s outgoing phone calls and emails to AL. Technically, I’m the only one that is supposed to reach out to him. Maybe one of my coworkers has been trying to help me get traction? Nope. ZERO incoming comms. This is the first time this MFer has called me since I called him. All outgoing comms on record are mine. A whopping 3 Voicemails, and 4 emails. I realize that AL doesn’t know that since his case is assigned to me, all his calls and emails come to me, and me alone.
\[evil grin\]
“Ok, I have taken a look, and I assure you that it will not happen again.” \[I add a note: Reduce contact frequency\] “Since I already have you on the line, do you have 2 minutes to double check your case’s progress?”
“Yes, sure.”
\[evil grin\]
“Now, I know that there were a looot of documents, and many looked veeery intimidating. Do you have any questions about any them? (C’mon, bite!) Did you understand ALL OF THE SERVICES that we provide? (Bite, damn you!) Do you need me to explain anything to you in SIMPLER TERMS?” (C’mon! Bite, you son of a bitch. Biiite!)
“I’m a lawyer. I went through it all. It was all VERY BASIC STUFF. I don’t need YOU to explain anything to me.”
\[satisfied evil grin\]
“Uh… when you will e-sign the e-documents, then? You DO know we can’t begin work without them, right?”
“I… err… uhh… of course! I got all that done last week! Let me double check…. \[furious mouse clicking\] Yeah! I got it done last week! Why don’t you already have it!? Do you even know how to do you jobs? How hard is it to check email once a week!?”
“Is that so? Last week? Let me take a look.” \[AL doesn’t know that I know he hasn’t, because I literally saw the e-documents being e-signed in real-time\] “Ah, yes, found it! I guess we overlooked it.”
“I told you! Your company is so incompetent!”
“How strange. Why does it have today’s date in it..?”
“…what?”
“I mean, all our electronic documents are automatically time-stamped at the moment of signing and according to our system, this document was e-signed… less than 5 minutes ago. How is this even possible?”
\[Dead silence\]
“I mean, this document cannot be signed without an active internet connection. It uses an internet-based clock for the time stamp. If you signed it last week, there is NO POSSIBLE WAY this document would say it was signed 5 minutes ago… but it DOES.”
\[Dead silence\]
\[evil smile\]
“Oh, well, I guess the internet can some times be finnicky, right?”
\[Palpable relief\] “Ah, yes, I guess?”
“Now, we’re also missing documents X, Y and Z. When do you think we will get those? Like we said in the first email, WE CANNOT START WORKING YOUR CASE WITHOUT THEM, you know..?”
“You’ll get it when you get it.” He and hangs up without a good bye.
I update my notes. My recording software notifies me that the call has been successfully recorded.
2 weeks go by. Still no X, Y or Z documents. I start leaving voicemails and emails again, at the blistering pace of every OTHER week, as requested. Months go by.
“Your Company is continuing to clog my voicemail and inbox!”
I check comms. It’s me, me, and nothing but me. 4 voicemails and 3 emails, date-stamped 2-weeks apart from each other, over a 3 month period. Such Clog. Much Wow.
“Whatever the other guy did didn’t work! Obviously you have some 3rd world communication going on, in there. You stop all these emails and calls, and you find whoever is blowing up my computer and fire him, or I will sue your company for harassment!”
“Sir, I assure you that I will escalate this to my supervisor. I will PERSONALLY make all the emails and calls stop. In the meantime, Do you have 2 minutes to double check your case’s progress? We are still missing X, Y and Z documents. WE CANNOT DO OUR WORK WITHOUT THOSE. When will we get them?”
“I’ll get around to it! You will get them when you get them! I already told the other asshole before you, so I’ll tell you too: Don’t fucking contact me for any reason unless you have good news, you hear? No emails, no phone calls, no voicemails!”
\[evil grin to the maxxx\]
“Loud and clear, sir. I will handle it. Also, I know exactly who has been blowing up your inbox, and I will personally let the other guy know how badly he messed up.”
AL hangs up without a word. I update my notes. My recording software notifies me that the call has been successfully recorded. I make sure my notes are very, VERY detailed. I send an alert to my supervisor so she sees my notes. I get a ‘WTF?’ within seconds, and then a thumbs up within minutes.
8 more months go by. It’s December, and timeshare companies demand a ‘yearly maintenance fee’ around this time of the year. It’s usually not too bad at the beginning, ($250-500 or so) but they ALWAYS go up, never down. Lawyer has been stuck with this particular TS for 20 years, so his yearly maintenance fee is close to $5K.
AL calls. No anger, no toxicity, just a lot of smug. “This is AL. How close am I to getting out of my TS? This year’s maintenance bill is starting to look like my car payment, if you know what I mean. Hehehe.’
\[evil grin to the maxxx\]
“Uhhh… I honestly don’t know what that means, \[I wait until he scoffs in obvious superiority\] but let me check your case, though… OK. I have found your case. Our records indicate that… we haven’t even started.”
“Wha… what? But it’s been almost a whole year!”
“Oh, yes, sir. Indeed it has, but…”
“What the fuck have you been doing all this time!?”
“According to our records, we have been waiting for 8 months for you to submit X, Y and Z documents.”
“Why didn’t you just call me to remind me, then!?”
“According to our records, you said, and I quote: ‘Don’t fucking contact me for any reason unless you have good news, you hear? No emails, no phone calls, no voicemails.’ I have an audio recording of this conversation, where you tell me this after I ask for these documents, 8 months ago. Would you like to hear it?”
“You should’ve still called! I can’t believe that your customer service is so shitty!”
“Sir, I am allowed to do many things for the sake of customer service, but violating Federal Law is not one of them. According to FCC regulations, if you forbid me to contact you, I am legally forbidden to do so. I would have contacted you if there had been any good news, but there weren’t any, because your case was stalled. We were legally forbidden to contact you until you either called us, or until after you submitted your documents, and we got some ‘good news’ related to your case.”
“No! You assholes don’t get it! I stopped my Timeshare payments, so my perfect credit score got fucked this year! I was expecting to be out of this TS by now! All my credit cards are now cancelled, and I can’t buy presents for my family! Your incompetence ruined my family’s Christmas!”
“Uhhh… why didn’t you use our credit score protection service? It is one of the many services we offer. Our records indicate that you said you understood ALL the services we offered. We have a recording of that conversation, as well. I can email you the audio, if you would like?”
“It must be a fuckup between you and all the other stooges there with you! No one ever said anything about that to me!”
“It was supposed to be covered in the initial 30 minute call, which you cut down to 5. In follow up conversations, you said that you had gone through and understood all the material and had no questions. I can also send you the audio of that conversation, if you would like.”
“There must be some mistake! Your company’s communication is horrible! It must’ve been one of the other idiots that work with you that fucked up! I was never told any of this! My family’s Christmas is ruined! This is unacceptable!”
“Sir, I am the only one from our company that you have been speaking to. I can send you the audio recordings of every single conversation that we’ve had, if you don’t believe me. It’s just you and me, in all of them.” \[It’s fucking glorious\]
“Shut the fuck up! This is absolutely unacceptable! You’re running a scam! I want a refund! This is immoral! You have done nothing for me for a whole year, and I want my money back! Every single penny! You will NOT take advantage of me like this!”
“I understand. Would you mind holding while I transfer you to my Supervisor?”
“I’m going to get you fired, you cocky son of a bitch! You and every son of a bitch that works there! By the time I’m done with you, your company will be a smoking crater! You bet your ass I want your supervisor.”
“Thank you. Please, hold.”
Aftermath:
No, he didn’t get his money back. Escrow company decided that we’d fulfilled our part of the contract, and AL had not, so the money was ours. That’s how escrows work.
I left the company shortly after that, but I hear that these calls are still being used to teach the new hires the importance of taking good notes.
Oh, and I also got a big fat bonus. This case started and ended with me, and I never had to push it though the pipeline to another department, so I didn’t have to split the commission with anyone. It was many times bigger than my car payment. 🙂
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