Do you smell what I smell?

Retail call center. The Zombie Apocalypse of Stupidity, aka COVID-19, has made everyone forget to put their brains in before they leave the house, and my store’s shitty pickup/delivery service is making my workdays a living hell. Much of my night is typically spent telling people the phone number for our online ordering dept. This call, however, was a complaint, and it was not the usual bitching about the fact that we are not taking returns; not this was a special snowflake, and the minute I heard what was bought, I smelled a massive heap ‘o bullshit.

I have truncated some of the dialog because there was a lot of repeating the same shit over and over again until I finally tuned out and just started checking on my farm on my phone (Big Farm, not Stardew Valley, though I am considering getting that). This might be a long still but enjoy.

Ok kiddos, buckle up for the bullshit express 9000

M: Just your Above Average Awesome Customer Service Girl who has no fucks to give and sold her soul for a Monster Energy in 2005.

SC: Scamming Couple (I will GF or BF to indicate which one was speaking at the time)

M: Greeting, ask for name and problem.

*She sounded angry from the first words.

SC (GF): Yeah, I got a complaint. I was laid off from my job and got a position where I can work from home, and I needed a headset, so I sent my BF to the store and bought me one, and when we opened the box, it was empty.

*I think a cat farted at this point, but it could just be the wind.

M: I am sorry to hear that. Have you tried to take it back to the store?

SC (GF): Yeah, my BF took it back to the store, and they laughed at him and told him that he should have known it was empty by the weight but agreed to check the cameras and call back.

*Dog Fart

M: I am sorry that happened, did they call you back?

SC (GF): Yeah, that bitch called back, she told me that I bought and left and the store with, so it was in the package. So, I sent my BF to the store and said they told him that he was stupid and should have known it was too light and empty. It was laughed and called a crook.

*The Cow Farts and the tears start flowing.

SG (GF): I just need to this do my job, and we don’t have the money to go and buy another one, it was $100+(I don’t remember the price), and I need to be able to work or we gonna get kicked out our home.

*Grabbed my tiny violin

M: I understand that it is a frustrating issue. Let me see if I can find out if you have any more options.

*I called our Tier 2 team and said she is probably SOL, but to send her up to the District Manager. (More fucking work to do… This take like ten minutes because have to get every ounce of info, but it was this that led me to the bullshit field.

*I go back to her.

M: Thank you for holding, I am going to escalate this to the District Manager, they will be able to give you the final answer on if this can be done. I will need to collect some information from you, beginning with the type of headset purchased.

*Horror movie music suddenly begins to play; the M. Night Shyamalan twist is approaching.

SC (GF): I don’t know what it is let get my BF, he knows all the technical stuff.

*Eye roll, followed by pounding my head against my desk, because he has been in the background bitching the whole time, I have been talking to her and occasionally coaching her on what to say.

M: No problem. Thank you.

*A Wild BF Has Entered the Field, who seemingly learned English from a Homey the Clown. (I will admit, I did clean up the ghetto speak (no judgement, just wanted this to be readable)).

M: Hello sir, I am me, would you be able to tell the type of head that was purchased?

*I’ll the creepy staircase leading to the locked attic for $500 please Alex.

SC (BF): Yes, it is a, PS4 Headset Platinum Wireless Headset.

*Upon opening the attic door, a massive pile of camel shit comes tumbling out along with a dead grandmother and three feral children who were being raised by the camel.

*Yes, ladies and gentlemen they bought a PS4 Headset to work and at home job (and no, she did not say she was going into pro-gaming. I am not sure she would know how to turn a PS4, let alone use a wireless headset. This is when I truly smelled a scam. I was no longer buying the story of an empty box; I believe that they are trying to circumvent our ‘No Return Until Further Notice’ (Yes, because of The Zombie Apocalypse of Stupidity known as COVID-19), so they can get a free headset.

SC (BF): That bitch was rude to me and told me I was stupid. I told her that I barely handled it, them associates took it and held it, and then just put it in the bag. I don’t believe they checked the cameras; I think they be profiling me.

*TBH, this is possible. My store is notorious for its racial profiling. I have nicknamed one of our locations, “Welcome to Racial Profiling” I had a manager once refuse to take a call from that location because the customer was one of those “WIC baby mama’s who just want free shit for there freeloading asses.” No lie that is what she said. I will tell you that story another time; it’s pretty funny.

M: I am sorry about that, sir. Did you speak with loss prevention?

*I know that didn’t happen because we don’t let anyone but LEOs and other LP reps talk to them. I just see how much bullshit I can get at this point.

SC (BF): No, they said that they don’t have no LP person right now.

*Damn that camel shit is strong. I am in the basement trying to keep the feral children from spitting on the cat and I can still smell that reek.

M: I am sorry to hear that.

At this point, it was a lot of information gathering and bitching about the manager laughing at him. The GF in the back bawling her eyes out because she can’t start her new ‘job’. I got them off the phone and put myself into ACW so I could try to make some sense of this pile of camel shit that I had written down. It took about 10 minutes and my notes were a little biased about the situation, but I didn’t outright say I thought they were scammers, but I made sure to note it was a gaming headset.

*I have caged the feral children in the basement. I moved grandma’s corpse to a nice place in the rose garden and have begun bagging the camel shit to put on my tomato plants.

I still have their info I will poke around on the case in a couple of days and see if the DM has added any notes and if they have, I will try to update. For now, THE END?

*I will add a caveat here. I don’t own a console at the moment(too cheap, no free time, and when I am free I’d rather talk to my GF), so I am not sure if a PS4 headset can be used on a PC, anyone who wants to correct my assumption that can’t please feel free to leave a comment.

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Customer: You Tell Me The Answer And I’ll Tell You If It’s Right

Too sick to get out of bed?