“I won’t lay hands on ‘im… But I WILL SAY STUFF TO ‘ IM”

(Mobile disclaimer)

I used to work at a sketchy call center. It paid crazy well, and for good reason. It was the only thing keeping people around. The hilarious people you talked to was a plus. More on that in a bit. Let me paint you a word picture first.

The work itself, as described in the job posting seemed fair enough. Call center, help people find employment, 13$ an hour, happy hours, crazy vending machines and a game room. Sounded too good to be true. And it was.

Yes, you helped people find jobs… kinda. The company, let’s call it SCC (sketchy call center), bought ad space on google to advertise the “job postings”. They basically took advantage of technology illiterate people, the ones who would just type in “Walmart online application” into google. SCC’s ad would be first on top. The applicant would fill out a quick “name, number and email” section and then BOOM. SCC’s number pops up. They call, I answer. I walk them through a BS script that basically sends them emails with random job postings (not specifically what they asked for) and then it was on to the scam.

I basically pushed them to sign up for PREDATORY FOR PROFIT COLLEGES. I hated it. It felt scummy as all hell and noped out several months in, even after getting promoted to interviewing for the company itself.

So with that out out of the way….

What made the days worth it were the colorful characters we talked to. They fell into 3 categories…

1) Done with our shit: They still hadn’t figured out how to apply online and kept getting stuck in this trap (we weren’t the only SCC). I had thick skin, but these ones brought me to my breaking point of asking for a manager. One even made me cry.

2) “OHH, so YOU have a hand in the hiring process!”: Spoiler alert: no. But that didn’t stop them from detailing their entire work history. I’d try to stop them, but this kind would bulldoze the conversation. I once spent 30 minutes listening to a lady’s theatrical career points when she was applying for Home Depot.

3) (my secret favorite cos it was so embarrassing) The Flirt. It’s demeaning, yes. No one wants to feel objectified because they “sound cute”. But this one call in particular made my day. It’s been 7-8 years and I remember it clear as day. His name was Victor.

(Toward the end of the call)

Me: Okay, well thanks for calling in! Have a great day!

Victor: Oh! Off so soon?!

M: Yeah, gotta get back to work!

V: Do ya have a MAAAANNNNN?

M: I do, actually.

V: Awwww, shucks. Well, does he treat ya good?

M: He really does… I promise.

V: Well, okay. But you tell him Victor said he betta treat you right!! Now I’m not gonna lay hands on ‘im …. BUT I WILL SAY STUFF TO IM. He better take you out to Applebee’s and buy you flowers EVERY DAY. Gotta ‘preciate yo girl, man. Gotta ‘priciate yo girl… okay?

M: You got it, hun..

The weird calls can make even the worst call center jobs worth it, for sure.

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