"Get me someone who can speak English, and then I’ll give you my name."

I know it’s long af, alright, and I’m sorry – so TLDR at the end for you lovelies~

I work for a credit card company, on the front lines – so I talk to an array of different kinds of people. Racists and narcissists are included in that array as an occasional sprinkling to jazz up my day. This was one of the rare times I got a racist narcissist in one gloriously, rage inducing bundle of a man/sorry-excuse-for-a-man. I legitimately feel it’s an insult to men everywhere to call him a man, or even a customer in general, so we’re going to call him “Buttmunch”. Mostly because I imagine him chewing out everyone’s ass for either sport, or some kind of weird, power complex kink.

Also, full disclaimer, since Buttmunch seemed to care about it so much: I am a white af American female.

*ring ring*

Me: This is Shelby in the Undisclosed Location office. May I have your first and last name, please?

Buttmunch: Get me someone who speaks English and then I’ll tell you

Never mind that this statement is so contradictory to the point where I don’t believe he knows English (and I say this as an English major), but OK, boo – I’ve tussled at this rodeo before.

Me: I can assure you that I’m born and raised in the United States, sir, and have studied the English language thoroughly to the point that my communication skills should be up to your satisfaction. Now, what is your first and last name.

Buttmunch: *grumbles, gives first and last name*

I smile when his account info pulls up. Immediately on the first page, the system will show me recent fees assessed to the account – he had a late fee, and a substantial amount of interest on his last statement.

Me: Thank you, Buttmunch. How may I help you today?

Buttmunch: Why did you charge me a late fee and interest? I’ve been a member since-! *goes on tirade*

This goes on for about four minutes. I always let them get it out, humming occasionally to let them know I’m listening. Meanwhile, I’m looking at his account history to find out where the fee came from. Finally, my opening comes.

Me: I understand your frustration with finances charges, as well your concern with the late fee! I’ll be happy to look into those for you and see where they came from.

Buttmunch: You better, this is ridiculous.

Me: Most assuredly, I shall, sir. *hold*

I didn’t want to appear anything but exceedingly thorough in my investigation into those ridiculous charges, even though I knew before I put him on hold exactly where both those charges had come from. So I let him sit on hold for a few minutes. I checked some emails. I sipped on water. Twiddling my thumbs a bit.

Me: Thank you for your patience! I see you were fourteen days late to your last payment. What might have prevented you from making your payment on time, sir?

Buttmunch: *sputters* I was traveling! How am I supposed to make payments out of the country?? That’s ridiCULous-!

Me: Oh, I wasn’t aware you were confused as to the plethora of payment options we offer here at CCC! Allow me to assist, to clear up any confusion. *lists five different ways he could have made the payment electronically while out of the country*. Now that we have that covered, Buttmunch, I can sign you up for email reminders before your next payment, or get you enrolled in our automatic payment program so this doesn’t happen again. Other than that, is there anything else I can do for you today?

Buttmunch: *REEEEEES* You can waive my late fee and interest right now!

Me: I’d be happy to look into waiving the charges for you. Please hold while I review the account.

Buttmunch: Don’t put me on– *hold*

I can’t waive them. Previous agents have cow-towed to the Buttmunch and waived his fees over the max amount that accounts are typically allowed. In all honesty, even if that hadn’t have been the case, there was no way this guy was getting any fees waived. Not by me, at least.

Me: I’m afraid you’ve exceeded the maximum of *number limit* late penalties waived in *time frame for fees assessed*. I will be unable to waive the charges at this time. Is there anything else I can clear up for you?

Buttmunch: What if I just pay off my account right now and close it? Will you be able to waive the charges then?

Me: No, I will not, but I commend you on your interest in paying your account in full! *He is over fourteen thousand in debt* I can grab you a pay in full quote to be sure all interest currently on the account is included in your final total, to be certain you get your account down to zero before I assist you with the account’s closure.

Buttmunch: *silence*

Me: I’ll just need your banking info. Are you ready for the pay in full quote, sir?

Buttmunch: …I don’t have that information right now.

Me: Oh, well our offices are open 24/7, Buttmunch. Whenever you have the information available, another agent will be here to assist you. Until then, is there anything else I can assist you with?

Buttmunch: No.

Me: Lovely. Have a wonderful day.

It is here where the story come to its culmination; where all of my efforts are rewarded and I take myself out of queue for a couple minutes so I can laugh. my. fucking. ass. off.

Buttmunch: Fucking bitch *click*

TLDR: Racist Buttmunch is a bit booty tickled about his late fee and interest charges, and decides the best way to get me on his good side is tell me to get him someone who can speak English right out the gate. I proceed to help him so thoroughly he leaves the call with no charges waived, calling me a “fucking bitch” before he hangs up. Happy ending with me LMFAO’ing for five minutes straight after.

submitted by /u/shelbydeebee
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