Customer: I don’t think it’s fair that your company charged me these foreign transaction fees. Nobody told me Canada was a foreign country.
Customer: That charge on my account is fraud. I have never, ever shopped at the store. In fact, I returned some of the stuff from there so there should actually be money coming back to me.
Me: Ma’am, I don’t understand. If you have never been to that store, how is it you were returning stuff to that store?
Customer: That’s a really good question. Let’s hold off on the fraud investigation. I want to do my own investigation first.
Customer: There’s a charge on my account for a TV that shouldn’t be on there. I didn’t like that TV.
Me: Okay, we can dispute that charge for you, sir. First off, when did you return the TV?
Customer: Return the TV? I’m not returning the TV. I told those assholes from the store that I was keeping the damn TV to punish them for selling me a TV I didn’t like.
Customer: Did you guys get the payment I mailed to you yet?
Me: I don’t show we have received any payments recently. When did you mail your payment?
Customer: A long, long time ago. It’s been four, no wait, make that five hours since I put my payment in the mail.
Customer: I don’t like that you guys charged me a late fee. I thought really, really hard about paying my bill on time.
Customer: I don’t like that every time I call you, I get the people in your office in China.
Me: Ma’am, I’m not sure what you are talking about. We don’t have an office in China.
Customer: Sure you do. You know, China? The place where all them Indian people live.
Customer: I be a teacher.
Me: Thank you for calling credit card company. This is HoneyDippinDan in Idaho. How can I help you?
Customer: You are a damn liar!
Me: Excuse me?
Customer: You heard me! I know for a fact that you are lying when you say you are in Idaho. I have friends from Minnesota and they don’t sound a thing like you.
Note: For those that don’t know, Idaho is nowhere near Minnesota.
Customer: If I do a balance transfer with you guys to pay off my other credit card, how does that work? I mean, how does the other bank get the money?
Me: We usually send them money electronically. But not all banks will accept payment that way, so……
Customer (Interrupting) : HELLOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!
Me: I’m sorry, but are you not able to hear me?
Customer: I could hear you talking just fine. I just wasn’t sure if you were still there.
Customer: I don’t understand why you guys turned me down for a credit card.
Me: Well, I show you put down on your application that you have no income. Is that correct?
Customer: Yeah, that’s correct.
Me: Then how do you plan on paying us back?
Customer: I don’t know. Does that matter?
Customer: When I made this purchase last year in July, I was told I would get one year before you guys would charge me any interest. So that means I should have had until August of this year before I’m charged interest.
Me: That’s not correct. That’s not a year, that’s thirteen months.
Customer: No, you’re wrong. July of last year until August of the year would be exactly one year.
Me: Sir, let me ask you something. When you have your birthday, does it move by a month every year?
Customer: CANCEL MY DAMN CREDIT CARD! YOUR COLLECTIONS DEPARTMENT WAS MEAN TO ME AND I DON’T WANT TO DEAL WITH YOUR COMPANY ANY MORE!!!
Me: I’m sorry you had a bad experience, but I’ll go ahead and get your account closed.
Customer: Your company is terrible. In fact, I want to point something out to you. If you look at my statements, you’ll notice that I haven’t paid you in four months. The reason I stopped paying you guys is because I just knew your collections department was going to be mean to me, so I stopped paying my bill to punish you guys.
Note: So this customer, who previously had absolutely no prior dealings with our collections department, wanted me to believe that four months prior, she somehow magically divined that our collections department would be mean to her, so she stopped making payments, thereby guaranteeing that our collections department would be contacting her (and be mean to her apparently). Not only does that not make a lick of sense, but this idiot was obviously completely unaware that I could read the notes from the collections department. They had been in contact with her several times and each time she promised to make a payment but made none. That day she had called in and demanded she be allowed to settle the account for pennies on the dollar and was turned down, which is probably why she thought our collections department was “mean”.