Patient is a bitchy old lady who needs to chill the fuck out.
Me: thank you for calling the medical center. How can I help you?
Patient: Yeah I need to schedule with Dr. Soandso
Me: Sure let’s get your chart up [verifies chart details] So you’re a new patient, correct?
Me: were you looking to see her at the A clinic or the B clinic?
Patient: I don’t know. Isn’t that your job to know?
Me: Seeing as how you’re a new patient, no I don’t know. Do you have [condition that would have be appoint in clinic A?]
Patient: No I have adrenal fatigue and high blood pressure.
Me: Ah okay so probably clinic B then. Let me take a quick look at my instructions.
[I put patient on hold and check new patient instructions. It says Dr. Soandso is accepting new patients but my new patient instructions only allow me to appoint with 3 doctors, none of them are Dr. Soandso. I call helpline. They tell me to offer the other providers but if she wants to see dr. Soandso to do a self referral and message the clinic about the discrepancy and tell the patient the clinic will call her to schedule. ]
Me: Thank you for holding. It looks like my instructions only allow me to appoint you with Drs. A, B, or C. I can certainly appoint you with one of those now or if you’d like to see Dr. Soandso I’ll send over a self referral and the clinic will be in touch on Monday to schedule you.
Patient: Why is this so damn hard? Just give me an appointment with Dr. Soandso! I shouldn’t have to jump through these hoops!
Me: I’m sorry about that patient. In that case I’ll have to put in a self referral for you and have the clinic call you.
Patient: No no no! I don’t want to deal with all this!
Me: Would you prefer to be appointed with Dr. A, B, or C?
Patient: No! I want to see the person I chose! Not someone picked for me!
Me: I’m sorry but the only way to do that then is the self referral route.
Patient: Fine. But will I need to have my doctor out in a referral? That’s such a pain!
Me: No, patient. I’ll be putting in a self referral. The clinic will call you to schedule.
Patient: you know what? Just give me an appointment with Dr. A.
Me: sure just a moment.
[I pull up Dr. A’s schedule. He’s scheduled out. I have no appointments to give her.]
Me: It looks like dr. A is scheduled out and doesn’t have any appointments right now. Would you like me to check Dr. B and C as well?
Patient: No! Why the hell cant you get me an appointment?
Me: Patient, dr. A is scheduled out. He has no appointments for me to give you. If you don’t want me to check dr. B or C then it might be best to stick to the original plan and I can self refer you to Dr. Soandso.
Patient: If we do that I need to know right now if I will need a referral from my doctor! None of this wishy washy bullshit.
Me: As I said before, if we self refer you, you won’t need a doctor’s referral.
Patient: Fine do that I guess. Can you make an appointment with Dr. Bob Whatshisface in digestive health?
Me: I can certainly look into that.
[I pull up one of the gastroenterology clinics and check the providers. No doctors by that name (name changed obviously but doctor’s name is super common). I pull up my large list of providers at all the clinics. One Dr. Bob Whatshisface but in another speciality.]
Me: Patient, I see a Dr. Bob Whatshisface but he’s a hematology oncologist, not a digestive health provider. I’m pretty sure that’s not the same one.
Patient: What do you means it’s not the same one? His name is Dr. Bob Whatshisface isn’t it?!?
Me: Yes but you said you need a digestive health specialist. That’s not his specialty and he has a common name. There could be hundreds of Dr. Bob Whatshisfaces in this state. Are you sure he was with this medical center?
Patient: I’m sure! Just get me appointment anyway!
Me: Do you have cancer or a blood condition?
Patient: No didn’t you hear me? I have a adrenal fatigue!
Me: Ma’am I can’t get you an appointment with a hematology oncologist if you don’t have cancer or a blood condition. This Dr. Whatshisface is not the same one you’re referring to.
Patient: You are a useless idiot! I’m going to call back to talk to someone who knows what the fuck they’re doing!